A Cummerbund Of Suspense

"Would Willie's fencemending eggs bear fruit? Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust? That night fate wore a cummerbund...of suspense."

They say our generation will finally be in control when Simpson's quotes finally supplant rock & roll lyrics in the breezy sort of newspaper headlines.

I say, what's a newspaper?

The birthday wishes have been pouring in, if by "pouring" I mean a few dozen, which I do. Thanks folks.

"Monad Burrito Factory" is officially the most obscure reference ever attempted on this list. Even if you knew the source, it would still seem insanely idiosyncratic...but compelling!



Dinosaur Fossils Rock

This is a picture of a newly discovered dinosaur. It would totally rip your head off, but it would be awesome!

The name of the dinosaur is Tawana Brawley.

I'm sorry. The name of the dinosaur, if reports are to be believed, is Tawa Hallae, which is Latin for "I'm holding my tongue while I name this dinosaur".

If you go to to this website you can see a huge version of this picture.

I don't know who did the rendering, but there is a caption that says "Jorge Gonzales".

I choose to believe that the name of this dinosaur is Jorge Gonzales.

Say it with me. Jorge ("hoor-hay") Gonzales.

Jorge Gonzales is a much better dinosaur name than Tawa Hallae. Or Tawana Brawley, for that matter. Imagine (with me) the next Jurassic Park, facing off against the deadly Jorge Gonzales:

"Let's get out of here before Jorge Gonzales severs our spines with his razor-sharp teeth and claws!"

"Jorge Gonzales hunts mostly by sight, but he has a special sensory organ in his snout that makes him just as dangerous at night!"

"Lock and load! --This time, Jorge Gonzales is gonna stay extinc...---WAAUGH!!"
See, so life in the 21st century might be fraught with peril, but at least we don't have to worry about being sprayed with toxins from the deadly venom sac...

The deadly venom sac of Jorge Gonzales.


"Permutations of Delay" describes the reverb effect available on the D50 synthesizer in the 1980's. It was dog-simple and a cheap stunt...and we all went ga-ga for it. Today, every dime-store noisemaker has an electronic reverb strapped onto it.

"Wham, Texas" is the fictional town where Max Brand (psued.) placed the action in "Destry Rides Again".

"His Illustrative Hand" From an article about the oddball Michael Caine horror pic "The Hand", where he is a comic book writer who gets his hand lopped off in an accident. Of course it was His Illustrative Hand, or else ya got no drama. And of course that hand seeks supernatural vengeance, or else ya got no horror. Oliver Stone directs, and it's the most sensible picture he ever made.

"Regatta of Death" is from an ape-bat crazy sequence of the ape-bat crazy 1970's Japanese movie "The Last Days of Man on Earth", which came from the Godzilla folks at Toho Pictures. Show them this when someone claims what a brilliant time the '70's were for international cinema.

See, there's a story for every band name, and sometimes the band names are a lot more interesting if I don't tell the stories.

Here's an exception:

"Dimensional Lumber" is simply the industry term for boards pre-cut to standard sizes (like the good old two-by-four).

If you want to "get" somebody with an evil trick question, ask them how many inches thick and wide a 2x4 is. The actual answer is 1/2 inch shorter than the stated dimensions. My bet is 99% of people will get it wrong in one way or another.

For another type of hilarity, take a 2x4 back to a lumber yard or home store, and tell them you got cheated. Hilarity ensues...

Happy new year, folks.

PS I wanted to put a picture here of HomeClub, a national home improvement warehouse chain that later became HomeBase and then folded in 2000 after amassing millions in debt. I wanted to post such a picture, but there isn't one photo of HomeClub (the store) on the net. There are other HomeClubs, but not the (in)famous chain. Let's hear it, former HomeClub employees! Where is you pride? Certainly not on Flikr!

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