My First Phony Band Name

There is an effect called "semantic sanitation" whereby you say or hear a word repeatedly and it generally loses its meaning, becoming instead a complex and peculiar mouth noise that just seems silly as your brain fails to interpret it.

This happened to me today at work with the phrase "headers and footers".

As a thought experiment, repeat the phrase "headers and footers" to yourself until the meaning is lost and you start to giggle anytime you hear it. Now try it with any of the other band names on this list. They are all prime candidates for semantic sanitation.

in fact, a lot of the reason this list exists is to put words and phrases that are sort of catchy, but not too catchy. A kind of semantic sanitation twilight zone, if you'll allow the mixed metaphor.

Here are your phony band names for today:

"Lysine Contingency" was one of my fist phony band names*. That would put its origin back around 1992. Back when I was...uh..only 13 years old! Yeah, that's it.

Did I ever tell you this one time three years ago when I broke my arm? I was informed--improperly--that my keys were in a throttling wood chipper. From now on, all my locks shall be keyless.

* and of course when I wrote "fist phony band names", I of course meant "FIRST phony band names". Please excuse my fisting.



Knockabout Crosstalk Act

Enjoy today's new band names. Now with Lysine.

* From a news story. I don't even want to know.



Colon Film for Theaters



The Destruction of Jared-Syn

*This is actually the second band name list appearance related to "The Christian Astronauts". the first was "Mouth Sound Rocket" a couple years ago. I think the link is still up on http://companionrecords.com/pages/c_astros.html.
You can listen to the mouth sound rocket yourself. Surreal. I would love to have that album.



Email Glurge Once Again Elicits My Ire (whatever that means)

Once again one of those cut-and-paste email forwards has irritated me to no end. It was called “Words Women Use”, and (unintentionally?) made women seem like simple-minded idiots who could not say what they mean. Within 15 minutes I had created a response before I realized how vain and pointless the whole exercise was/is. But by that time I'd essentially crafted two full-column articles about the difference between men and women--Lord help me. Email glurge has reduced me to writing little Dave Barry articles. That’s when I realized that bad Spam has the power to make Andy Roonies of us all.

Article One:
No Uncertain Terms: Words Men Use

Men have two linguistic modes: Decision-making and work avoidance. Both of them are vital to the existence of the human species and without them you would not enjoy many of today’s luxuries and conveniences.

Mode 1: Decision-Making

YES: Affirmative acquiescence; agreement. If we say yes but don’t mean it very strongly, we’ll still keep our word. A grudging yes is still a yes.

NO: Indicating the negative absolute. A rejection, refusal or an exercise of veto power. Not an invitation to negotiate.

REALITY: This is what exists no mater how you “feel” about something.

Mode 2: Work Avoidance

Work Avoidance is the engine that gives a male the ability to perform truly necessary tasks both successfully and efficiently. There are two phrases associated with the communication of work avoidance:

I DON’T WANT TO (decorate, move furniture, etc.): This means he does not want to decorate, move furniture and so forth. Men have a built-in alarm for unnecessary work. This includes the noise you heard at three in the morning. If we thought our lives were in danger, we would get up and check it ourselves. The unnecessary work alarm includes painting things that already have paint on them, gardening and shopping where the goal is just to shop. We get in, buy what we need and get out.

Men are generally helpful, but we are designed by nature to spring into action only when necessary. If you have a problem with that, take it up with mother nature. Men who fill up their lives with fiddling little make-work crap become pathetic type-A jerks with neurotic tics and illogical little rules about everything in life. And you know its true. Essentially, they become the male version of women--and girlfriend--you know that isn’t what attracted you to your man. Even if we are attracted to you for your mind, we are not attracted to you for that part of your mind that makes you insane.

THE LAST WORK AVOIDANCE PHRASE is the so called empty quotes (“__”), or just not talking. Men chose this route 99% of the time. I’m not going to explain this one. It’s not that it isn’t a valid form of self-expression, I just don’t want to go to the effort of explaining it.

Words mean things—it should go without saying. So ladies, if your man is talking around the situation in vague noncommittal generalizations, tell him he’s acting like a chick. He’ll know what you mean and instantly start communicating in no uncertain terms.

Article Two:
A Man About The House

Lay off of this ‘man’s world’ shellac. The house was not designed with him in mind. The Living and Family rooms barely tolerate him: you grudgingly accept that there must be a TV and possibly a tiny, under-featured stereo, but even so, you try to put doilies on them. The entry hall is not for him (or for any conceivable purpose). The kitchen was not designed for him (and you know it). The dining room was not designed for him (YOU don’t even use it for what it was made for). The bathroom was not designed for him (or he would be constantly bugging you to put toilet seat BACK UP, you self-absorbed whiner).

You may say the bedroom is designed for him, but answer me this: Does it have a duvet cover? Does it contain a bed skirt or dust ruffle? Do pillows exist in the bedroom which are not intended to be slept on? Is the man responsible for bringing any of this detritus into the bedroom?

You may say the garage is the man’s room of the house. Think about this. It is the only room in the house that has oil stains on the walls. Hopefully. Women would lead a bloody revolt if the only “woman’s room” in the house was a non-air-conditioned, unfurnished machine shed. Plus, how can it be his room when you store all your crap out there? It’s stuffed with bolts containing 2/3rds a yard of fabric, curtain rods, holiday decorations, boxes of barely begun craft projects and the old toys that belong to the children he did not want to have.

All this is true. And it infuriates you for whatever reason. You may say that no one is asking him to put up with this situation. But think about it: this is exactly what you are asking him to put up with. And if not him, then the next man. And the next, and so forth in perpetuity. The moral? Give him a little space. It’s something he doesn’t really have around the house. Men like space. You can see this reflected in, for one example, the enduring popularity of Star Trek.



A Horrible, Horrible "Art Form"

RE Art Car, I was surprised there was an accepted term for this sort of, um, item.


I like how the article points out that "most car artists are ordinary people with no artistic training." If you'll allow the colloquialism: Duh.

Does every American town have a "Jesus car"? You know what I mean. Every town I've been in has had one.

Hey, if a carnival person decorated his car, would he be an "Art Carney"?




Return of the 5 Band Name list



Kepler Funk

*Kepler Funk is a local attorney working on a ecclesiastical fraud case. Cool name, Kepler Funk! Band Names salutes you!

"Banana" returns for the second straight post. Sorry.



Give her an Equation this Mother's Day...

"Politics is for the moment, an equation is for eternity." -- Albert Einstein

*"Crazy Banana Routine" is dedicated to Kirk Cameron. Me and the fellows were discussing the idea that peanut butter disproves evolution when Andrew reminded us, (in his words) : "It is far too late for me. Kirk Cameron already convinced me of the fallacy of evolution with his crazy banana routine. Possibly at this location: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z-OLG0KyR4". Cheers, Kirk! "Show me that smile, again."

"Crazy Banana Routine" is my band name of the month nominee.



Abolish April Fools: The Pluto Connection

Abolish April Fools. There. I’ve said it.

I despise April Fools. Always have. I despise it as part of my self-assigned role as protector of gullible children (having been one, and still being one to some great degree).

To illustrate my view of what is wrong with the holiday; I’ve written a little playlet of a typical April fools exchange:

Lunch Lady: There’s a bug on your face!
2nd grade girl: What? (shrieks / cries)
Lunch Lady: April Fools!

The fact that middle aged woman in a position of authority can trick an 8 year old is not my point. My central theme or gist, if you will, is the sheer absence of humor in the entire April Fool’s genre.

Take for example this year’s highly publicized Google hoax of an Internet Protocol-enabled toilet. I repeat: an Internet Protocol-enabled toilet. An Internet Protocol-enabled toilet.

That’s it? That’s the concept?

Google has a fairly credible web page (I needn’t provide a link) with good documentation of the "project". It was clearly meant to be absurd, and yet…I am underwhelmed. All for the sake of an IP Toilet joke? Even if you look for another level of humor (and there are a couple), it’s still not that clever.

The popular version of the Origin of April Fools, as we all are sick of hearing, is the changeover from the Julian calendar to the more familiar Gregorian system we now use. Old-school holdouts clung to the tradition of celebrating new years in April, and were derided as fools, even though mensuration (you read that word correctly) landmarks such as “new year’s day” are by definition arbitrary.

Indeed, the Gregorian system is only an incremental timekeeping improvement. It may someday be superceded by a better solution, which would necessarily include calculations for the interactions of mechanical forces (entropy, gravity, local effects) and even Einstein’s time dilation of bodies traveling at relativistic speeds. Why, we're childish fools for ignorantly holding on to the outdated and naive Gregorian calendar! But it works for us. We are January fools!

I say all this to make a point. Abolish April Fools. It has served its purpose.

Or if you, yourself, must cling to outmoded traditions, adapt April Fools into a portable teaching tool. As April Fools travels through time, alter its message to heap scorn on the luddites du jour (if you’ll permit a bilingual mixed metaphor).

In the spirit of April Fools being used as a tool of didactic ridicule, I propose Pluto Fools Day. If you really want to tease children—which seems to be the whole point of this endeavor-then “Pluto Fools” fits the ticket. Children love Pluto, and hate the idea that it has been de-planetized. For them, it is an idea of sentimentality, not scientific rigor. The decommissioning of Pluto makes very good scientific sense, but children have not been educated to understand the distinction. Science deals in facts, but science itself is not a box of facts that you collect immutable and minted like baseball cards or comic books.

Science is a recursive process of observation, questioning and testing that ultimately leads to deeper levels of understanding. Science is not scripture, and must never become such, or else the process is irretrievably broken. Pluto can be a planet one day and a dwarf planet the next, as our undestanding of the universe grows and matures.

Therefore, when anyone—child or not—expresses disappointment that Pluto is no longer a planet, you may wish to point at them and taunt “Pluto Fools! Pluto Fools!” and run away. Your childish behavior will somehow have contributed to our collective understanding of the universe. Aren’t you proud of yourself? The meme pool will thank you.
--Mark Wynkoop

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?