Danger: Loose Weight!
What unsettles me is that somebody paid good money for these signs. And nobody in the entire production chain noticed anything wrong.
This isn't like an email typo or something. Probably a dozen people were involved in this process from conception to the time they were stuck in the ground.
I'm surprised the signs don't say "Loose Wieght".
What is "loose weight" anyway? Is it just flab that exists in some zero-inertia state in an alternate reality?
Katrina from work writes: "Maybe it's a 'loose' person who is thought of only as weight. Or the mass of a being who is considered insignificant. For example, maybe they are selling hookers and it is the politically correct way to call a hooker a hooker."
Mark responds: Katrina, you're pushing it.
Today's Band Names, as well as the "Loose Weight" snapshot are both provided by occasional columnist Kyle Friel. Kyle is an extraordinary person for two reasons. First, he gets my jokes. Second, he did not move to New York City like a jerk to make it big.
"My" Band Names for Today:
- Lice Sandwich
- Mulch Morality
- Love Vacuum
- The Conclusions Cake
- Ravishing Photon
- Real Movie Beer
- Living Beyond Goes Light
"Also 'The Hollywood Elite'. Newt Gingrich said it on the O'Reilly Factor.That is both cool and totally sweet."
A Band Name with both Dilbert and UNIX!
My hits would probably go up if I had a band name with Paris Hilton & Naked.
My Band Names for today include (but are not limited to) :
- Surgical Tiger
- Dilbert's Crontab
- Meiklejohn Smorgasboard
- Galactic Superwave
- Orion Slave Girl
- Corrective Selectric®
Some would argue that "StrongBadder" might be more memorable if it were "StrongBladder".
I do not deny that this is the case. Feel free to pick and/or choose from either of the "Badder"/"Bladder" options.
- Doctor Stupid
- Gay Funeral
- Colicky Child
- Jewels of Sound
Ron Howard Pops The Clutch And Tells The World to Eat His Dust
- Eat My Dust
- Infected Waters
- "MilfMank" or "MilfMank Manglers" or "MilfMank ManMilk"
- Extreme Subduction
- The Bloody Nipples
- Origami Pig
Alligator Policymaker Redux
Also, to show what jerks they are, an alligator snatched a puppy, and a cop shot an alligator in the head, which made it really mad.
This is the first year they have told us not to zigzag when running away from gators. Any 3 year old in Florida knows you are supposed to zigzag when running away from gators. Now they tell us not to zigzag, and all these tragedies happen.
So much for advice from the "experts". If I am attacked--by anything--I plan to zigzag.
"risknexx" from the Internet writes something to the effect that "attractive models are probably eaten more than unattractive models."
I say your comment about eating unattractive models is in poor taste, risknexx.
Name This Guitar
- Bikini Scar
- OoGhiJ MIQtxxXa
- Cute for Science ™
- The Local Authorities
- Forget the Duck
- Decrepit (a metal band that thinks they're totally the shiznit. I have made a logo for them)
My buddy Tony has built this totally sweet guitar. Click on it for a larger view. He put a lot of work into it, and you won't find another like it in the world. That pickup costs more than your whole guitar, buddy. When he records it (with his new 24/192 studio) I'll ask if I can post some of his licks up here.
Tony is trying to come up with a name for it (the guitar). He wondered if you creative citizens of the net can come up with a better name than he can.
I told him "probably not", but I could be wrong. Give it a try. Post your ideas to the "comments" section of this blog. No lame names, please. Don't be a turkey. I have prepared a small example on how to name a guitar. It's mostly a matter of style taste and flair. You may consider re-reading William Hazlitt's essay on Gusto before attempting your own name submission.
Guitar naming conventions (examples):
Names that are just no darn good for a guitar:
Mark and Rainer: Separated at birth?
Today's band names:
- Pocket Chili
- Colossal Salary Grab
- Yearning for Eldamar
- Levels of Done
Mark and Rainer: Separated at birth?
Some would say we have a striking resemblance to each other. Okay, just about everybody I show Rainer's picture to says we look alike. Rainer and I don't see the resemblance. Why don't you people look at the picture and vote on it:
Here is a good way to tell the difference between me and Rainer:
Rainer, the Rainer Buchty Ratio guy
Mark, The MyBandNames guy
|Website: Buchty.net dispenses accurate technical advice on a broad range of topics to enhance the lives of everyone who uses it.||Website: MyBandNames wastes time of everyone who uses it (including its creator). Also contains known carcinogens; vents Dioxin, radon into the upper atmosphere.|
|Lifetime Goal: Finding a cure for cancer||Lifetime Goal: Finding a box of money|
|Motto: "Carpe Diem" (seize the day)||Motto: "Hey, this here chicken nugget looks just like a pair a' jugs!"|
|Favorite Movie: The Godfather||Favorite Movie: Disco Godfather|
|Best Pick Up Line: "Hi. I'm Rainer. I have a Ph.D, so if you date me, you'll be dating a doctor."||Best Pick Up Line: "Hi. I'm Mark. I have a S.T.D., so if you date me, you'll be seeing a doctor."|
|Next to couch: Tasteful coffee table book||Next to couch: Handcuffs|
|Bookmarked URL: Amazon.com||Bookmarked URL: amazons.com|
|Last book read: David McCullough's "1776"||Last book read: "76 Ways to Use Noni Fruit Juice"|
|Favorite TV Guy: Shatner!||Favorite TV Guy: Shatner!|
|Guilty Pleasure: Secretly recording world cup football||Guilty Pleasure: Secretly recording varsity girl's field hockey|
|Parents: So proud of their son, the doctor||Parents: Also very proud of Rainer.|
Band Name of the Year
- Chainsaw Daddy
Southern Rock? Nihilistic Punk? Dub? It works for just about any genre. "Chainsaw Daddy" is fine for a rough-and-tumble bar band, but contains levels of meaning suitable for the most pretentious art rock poseurs.
I nominate "Chainsaw Daddy" as the best band name of the year.
Band Names Q and A
Bones from The Internet asks:
"Is Rainer Buchty a supervillain by any chance? "
Bones, Rainer is an international super-villain, but he is also much more.
Rainer is also an Evil Genius and an electro-mechanical wonderkind. Rainer is not "Adam Sandler evil", but more the kind of evil that would give artificial intelligence to a 1980's hybrid analog digital synthesizer -- and then fill it with existential angst (see picture).
Rainer is famous for the so-called "Rainer Buchty Ratio" (search the internet), a byproduct of which, if accepted axiomatically, means that he created the coolest thing in the world. I am one of the miniscule group who has benefited from the Rainer Buchty Ratio, so I owe him.
Also my friends say I look like him. I'll see if I can put up the pictures one of these days, and Blog visitors can vote on it.
My girlfriend's internet bookmarks.
Therefore, the following band names are directly from my girlfriend's internet bookmarks.
They are the names auto-assigned to her links.
She stridently claims her bookmarks are not funny.
Maybe she's right, but I giggled all up and down the list. She thinks I'm mean.
But I sez they are-so funny, I sez.
Try to think of them as rock bands, not websites. Then go back and think of them as websites.
Either way, I sez, they are funny to me.
- How The Brain Is Hurt
- Skits for Scouts
- Florence Henderson: National Honorary Spokeswoman
- Episcopal News Service
- Retail Display Garden (RDG)
- The Pollen Hot Spots
- Possibility Living?
- Emotional Stages of Recovery
- Clone Recipe
- Suicidal Teenager Mandala
- The Mermaid's Tears
- Belly Dance Memorial
- I especially would like to name a hard-rockin' band "Episcopal News Service". --Or any touchy-feely name, really.
- Possibility Living? I guess it's possible. At least as long as I'm alive.
- She says there really are such things as clone recipes (for food). I shudder to think about it.
- The spell checker does not get "Mandala", but I must admit I don't get it either. I'm not enough of a granola-head to know the difference between tai chi and chi tea.
Bonus band name overheard from a five-year-old today:
- The Stinky Dead Beetles.
Also, I would not want to offend any Beatles; living, dead or stinky.
A System Of Levers and Pulleys
Here are the new band names:
- Expert Sleepers
- Invisible Rod (thanks W.o.W.)
- The Bud Shank Redemption
- A System Of Levers and Pulleys
- Best Career
- Harry Cleavage
That "best career" photo is real. I changed the prefix to all fives. If you see a phone number that starts with all fives, check the Dewey Decimal System under "Phony Phone Numbers". But let me assure you the sign did have a real phone number on it. It is a Melbourne Florida number with a five in the prefix, so it shouldn't take a cryptographer to figure out. Just a little detective work. Even so, I don't recommend calling.
The bigger concept at work here is the idea of a "best career". When we saw this we got to thinking:
- What really is the "best" career.
- Is calling a stenciled number nailed to a phone pole really a good way to find the best career?
- What if this is some "Fantasy Island" type metaphysical exercise, wherein three lucky callers discover (in a weekly semi-anthology format) how their dream jobs are really nightmares. Or how the world would be a horrible place with (for example) six billion marine biologists?
I can answer question number 3 already. We pitched the show concept to ABC and got a 13 episode deal. Pilot season is upon us, but we are assured 13 hours with the possibility of a back nine.
We have cleverly (I think) titled our show "Miracle Workers". I am just now finishing the writer's bible. We are trying to get an actor of the caliber of Malcolm McDowell or Michael York as a recurring character we call "The Boss".
And I heard just yesterday that Fox has a tech call out for a similar show they call "Dream Job". I think they misunderstood our premise and are doing it as a reality show. I have just one word for them: "You're Fired!™"
Be an alligator policymaker in your community
- Just Intonation
- Nuisance Alligator Squad
- Aether Breather
- School Lunch
- Piriform Cortex
- Odic Force
- Mr. Wednesday
We really have a Nuisance Alligator Squad in my town here in Florida. Complain about an alligator and they will come to investigate whether it should be moved. Also, it is currently mating season, so the critters are out and about.
It is important for each of you to check your local municipal codes to make sure your your alligator contingency plans are up to date.
And speaking of large aquatic creatures that spend the day floating just below the surface of the water and hunting by night:
More stuff you didn't know about the evil doctor Rainer Buchty:
- Rainer Buchty hand-carves intricate scrimshaw depicting scenes from Baywatch using ivory harvested from the tusks of the endangered narwhal.
- Rainer Buchty has designed a simple 8 bit operating system that gives artificial intelligence to the Ensoniq SQ80 synthesizer. This sentient super-synth has the emotional I.Q. of an 8 year old orphan. Sad, really.
- Rainer Butchy made a working replica of a Playstation 2 out of a milk carton and discarded hypodermic needles. It works perfectly.
- Rainer Buchty tattoos his Tomb Raider scores into his forehead with a rusty knife and an ink made from deadly nightshade and gilsonite. It's pretty cool.
- Using the arcane art of alchemy, Rainer has distilled the quintessential substance phystegen. Secreted from the Pineal Gland (the so-called "third eye"), this phystegen is produced for ritual use of the Bavarian Illuminatus and is a key ingredient in microwave popcorn.
The Alesis Fusion: Up Close & Sensational.
Image courtesy Carbon111
[This is a musician's blog, you know. The new Band Names are down below this review.]
Note to anyone about to buy the Roland Juno-G--You are an idiot if you don't buy the Alesis Fusion 6HD instead.
Yes, the Fusion costs a whopping $4 more than the Roland. But that four bucks buys you everything the Juno can do plus a sampler, a Physical Modeling synth, an FM synthesizer (Long live the DX7!!) an analog synth from the guys that make the Andromeda, a DAW, a 8-track 48/96 digital recorder (with 80 gig SATA hard drive), an ADAT interface, a loop sequencer and a real 32 track sequencer. Plus a soundset by Hollow Sun, Eric Norlander and others.
If the Andromeda A6 was the original Battlesynth Galactica, The Alesis Fusion (also available in an 88 key piano action version) is the new high quality digital re-imagining. This leaves the Roland Juno-G in the dust as the Galactica 1980 of budget workstations.
You owe it to yourself to check out this synth.
Now, on to the cool band names. My band names for today are:
- Long Tail Manifesto
- Coil Splitting Humbucker
- Reverse Cowbell
- The Snowglobe Tweakers
- Red Lamp of Elvis
- Scratch Fiction
- Judy Brown Note
- Hump Day
The Rainer Buchty Ratio
the Space Planes of Xenu!
- The Rainer Buchty Ratio
- Star Wipe
- Barbie Head
- The Scuff Babies
- Satirical Caviar Bean Dip
- Booty Hatch Conspiracy
"Mark, where can I learn more about this Rainer Buchty and his plan for my life?"
Fortunately, Rainer Buchty's "World Wide Web" (based partly on Rainer Buchty's "Internet") is a great source to find out more about Rainer Buchty.
Read about the amazing Rainer Buchty Ratio!
Visit Rainer Buchty PhD on the web at the magnificent BUCHTYNET!!!! (warning: minor technical content)
If anyone can save us from Xenu and exorcise our Theatans, it is Rainer Buchty!
Top ten facts about Rainer Buchty:
- Rainer Buchty is a mammal.
- The only reason you can move right now is that Rainer Buchty does not want to deactivate your brain stem.
- If Rainer Buchty ever lost a fight, all the quarks in the universe would come unbound--but we'll never get a chance to see what that's like.
- Bill Gates begged Rainer Buchty to fix everything that's wrong with Microsoft: Rainer just brushed him aside. No amount of money can pollute the indomitable essence of Rainer Buchty with second-class code.
- Rainer Buchty's I.Q. has an exponent after it.
- In his free time, Rainer Buchty builds houses for poor people...--WITH HIS MIND!!!
- Chuck Norris once challenged Rainer Buchty to a fight. Chuck suddenly disappeared in a vapor of quantum vacuum particles when Rainer conclusively disproved the existence of Chuck Norris.
- Rainer Buchty knows what you are thinking right now!
- Yes he does.
- The difference between God and Rainer Buchty? God doesn't know for sure if He is Rainer Buchty.
My Band Name(s) For Today
- One Track Mime
- Ultrasound Crackdown
- Weirder Cereal
- Wesley Willis Cries Out From Beyond The Grave "I Done Typed This Resumé In Pencil!"
- Kung Fu Genius
"Stay away from my bins!"
Today's Band Names are brought to you by the makers of Get-On-The Bandwagon Marketing Name Cereals.
Get-On-The Bandwagon Marketing Name Cereals: Sporadically bringing you C-3P0's , Donkey Kong and Wayne Gretzky's All Stars for over 30 years.
Today's Band names shall be:
- Lust Trigger
- Domestic Polygons
- Hand Burrito
- Blame the Good Guy
- Muck Farm
- Snail Invasion
- The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?
- Menu Thief
- Cover with Shame
I've had enough of your insulin!
- Diabetic Coma
- Mechanical Mind
- Special Mexican Dinner
- Butt Cancer
- Rollergirl Freeway