- Service Dog Epiphany
- Joyless Orgasm
- Mystery Shoes
- Peanut Butter Recall
- Snoring Mask
"Mystery Shoes" was on a memo on the wall of a McDonalds (inside the drive-thru). I think it was supposed to say "Mystery Shops", which are undercover quality officials who pose as customers.
Real News Headline: "Peanut Butter Recall Affecting Orange County Jail."
Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu
- Spiral Graphic
- Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu
- Monster Moonshine
- Bounce Castle
- Hypodermic Sandwich
"Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu" is kind of a weird story:
Variety (the entertainment trade newspaper) ran an advertisement on page two every day for almost four years.
It was a small box with a black-and-white headshot of character actor Zack Norman with the caption "Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu".
To the best of my Google abilities, the film "Chief Zabu" never picked up a distributor, and no one but the makers has ever really seen it. Zack Norman has continued working steadily in Hollywood.
But to my satisfaction, no one has yet explained to anyone;
- What was the purpose of this ad?
- Why did it run for so long?
- Who could afford to continuously place it so prominently in this major magazine?
- Why did it feature that particular combination of obscure film and obscure actor?
- Chimes of Death
- Serious Dentist
- The Brain That Wouldn’t Do Anything
- Joe Wonder Loaf
My mom is friends with Joe Cocker's wife. She says she's very nice.
Anyway, if you think you have trouble understanding the 60's, here is some help:
Captioning Joe Cocker
Click the link and enjoy it while its still around.
Beyond the Blue Particle Horizon
- Particle Horizon
- The Pants Puppies
- Sloppy Cannon
- Per Hop Behavior
- Bratz Foot Syndrome
"a description of the externally observable forwarding treatment applied at a differentiated services-compliant node to a behavior aggregate."Oh, really?
What if your favorite bands were cereals?
|Kix ... Kix|
Some bands love to get out there and just really shred guitar.
But some cereals out there are really just shredded wheat.
With apologies to Barbara Walters, if your favorite musicians were cereals, what cereals would they be? And by "favorite", I mean "Ones I made up jokes for".
I think it would go something...like...this:
|Corn Flakes ... Korn|
|Lucky Charms ... Culture Club|
|Wheaties ... Wheatus|
|Honey Bunches of Oats ... Hall & Oates|
|Kashi ... Phish|
|Golden Grahams ... The Rolling Stones|
|Grape Nuts ... Moby Grape|
(You saw that one coming, didn't you?)
|Sugar Smacks ... Whitney Houston|
(Was that too cruel? If you prefer puns
instead, how about this next one:)
|Sugar Smacks ... Godsmack|
(And in Korn-clusion,)
|FrankenBerry ... Barry White|
|Cookie Crisp ... Ozzy|
|Trix ... George Michaels|
The King of Rock & Roll
- Talent Vacuum
- Dead Ringer
- Boxing Helena
- The Ham Bunglers
- Slowcoach (from yesterday. I imagine they are an 80's hair band, a'la KIX--the band, not the cereal.)
I always try to celebrate for both of us by shooting out a television set.
Not my own set, of course. Lucky for me, I'm usually at a friend's house when I do this.
UNlucky for me, I'm running out of friends. Let's just say that it's very hard to get someone to throw me a party after the second or third indecent.
Oh well. Viva Las Vegas--or is that Viva Viagra? At my age, the two are much less distinct than you might surmise.
Happy Birthday, everybody.
The one about tray tables
- Instant Railroad
- Reindeer Sausage
- Chemical Butter
- Show Couch*
- The Specter of Power
"Hello Cleveland! We are Slowcoach! Are you ready to rock?"I've been everywhere in the past month. Much of it with sporadic Internet access. Busy, busy. In fact, its one of the reasons I blog instead of keeping a diary (aside form the fact that diaries are for sissies).
The two real reasons I don't keep a diary:
- Half of the time, my life is too boring/uneventful to chronicle.
- The other half of the time, I'm too dang busy to chronicle my fascinating, eventful life.
Like a body accelerated to light speed, I have touched all parts of the universe. Or at least several hundred sticky airline tray tables.
[standup comedian mode]
And what's the deal with tray tables anyway? They're not tables. They're barely trays. Maybe they should call them "stomach guillotines" or "sky scissors"...
--After all, they must be deadly. You're only allowed to use the darn things for about 20 minutes a flight. Maybe they're radioactive or something. It would explain a lot. I can see it now:
"For goodness sake people, get those tray tables to their upright, locked position-STAT! We've got a major containment breech here! One more minute of exposure and you'll all be as sterile as a band-aid!
Thanks for reading, folks. I wish you every happiness in the upcoming year.