They don't call him Carl Barks for nothing
- Temporal Phoenix
- High Altitude Baking Level
- Assumptions and Constraints
- Carl Bark's Manic Cani-Morphic Dog Planet
- Uncanny Valley
- Sweet Sassy Molassy
- The Bra Extenders
- Water Engine
- Nature's Harmonic Time Cube
It says so right on the package.
Moving right along, if you are familiar with the bizarre fever dream that is the so-called "time cube" (click here to read about it from the safety of Wikipedia) , then we can mourn the loss of our innocence's together.
I remember seeing this stuff before in the late 90's. I'm amazed the guy has persisted (thrived, even!) without being institutionalized.
I'm delighted that the anonymous Wikipedia contributer notes, "Ray's use of the word 'simultaneous' does not appear to refer to a meaning other than the accepted one. However, he fails to make any logically coherent explanation as to how different periods of time that are taking place 'simultaneously' can be counted separately and added together..."
Here is the original site. The old guy (Gene Ray, who has two first names--always a good sign) presents himself as certifiably insane.
If you don't find the racism or intellectual fallaciousness personally offensive, you can feel generally offended that he calls for the death of everyone who is "ignorant"of the time cube, which, lets face it, is everybody but Gene Ray himself.
I submit to you this alternate site, a web page with a PHP script that generates a random "time cube" webpage. Understandably, the stuff it comes up with makes as much or more sense than the original site.
And here is a parody site, "NINTENDO'S PORTABLE SIMULTANEOUS 4-PLAYER GAME CUBE".
Have you worried about your Bullcrap Footprint enough today?
- Tantric Quickie
- Bullcrap Footprint
- Moderate Scrambling
- The Faults
- Piso Mojado
Today: Band Names With Derivation Included Free!
- Murder Car (an episode of a Commando Cody serial)
- Deathcar on the Freeway (a 70's TV movie)
They are no longer necessary in this post-Death Cab for Cutie world. BTW, when my mom heard the promos for "Deathcar on the Freeway", she declared "they've finally run out of names for things."
I was little enough that the hyperbole (if that's what it was) was lost on me. From that point forward I began a lifelong fascination with neologisms, new words, definitions, names, and cool titles for things. Not so much in an attempt to prove my mother wrong as in a reaffirmation that the human intellect was boundlessly creative and inventive.
This band name list could be considered part of my lifelong interest to discover if it is possible for "them" to run out of names--or any other creative commodity.
So...--yeah, an attempt to prove my mother wrong, I guess.
Now, on to today's band names--today, with derivation!
- Semi-Honey (1)
- Corrosive Guano (2)
- Keine Jugendfreigabe (3)
- Smarm Attack (4)
(2) From an AP story that lists pigeon droppings as a contributing cause of the fatal Minnesota bridge collapse.
(3) "Not approved for minors".
(4) The story of my life.
--And don't get me started about bass players...
A: A drummer.
A cop sees two guys fighting. It turns out that they're a guitarist and a keyboard player. "What's the problem?" says the cop.
"We were coming off stage and this guy bumped my guitar so hard he knocked one of my strings out of tune!"
The cop says, "Is an out-of-tune string really worth fighting him over?"
Guitarist: "Absolutely! The lousy guy won't tell me which one it is!"
Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
- Toy Camera Culture
- Snake Killers Get Lucky
- Gender Candy
- Goody Two-Face
- An Issue Of Blood
- Geometric Savant
- Frogs and Yarn
- Chastity Amulet
- Principle of the Missing Fundamental
- King Bunny
I didn't go to find out what they were talking about. Probably just the tacky remnants of another dead hippie. Instead of "yarn", read "unfinished hemp macrame projects".
But--as a more interesting "writer's embellishment"--I submit that the sale consisted of barrel after olde tyme barrel of tangled, inhumane amphibian carnage.
Now there is you band name!
- Vichy's Cycle
- Finger Flu
- Deep Roy
- Big Stupid Robots
- The Sabattier Effect
- Spurious Köchel
"The Sabattier Effect" is probably not what you think it is. It is a photographic process that was a forerunner to solarization, that trippy hippie psychedelic photo effect that allows anyone to taste the colors, man. If I had a band that traded on psychedelia, I would name it "Sabattier Effect" and perform a song I wrote called "Purple Fire".
It's pretty derivative. But then again, all that stuff is.
When a Fortune Cookie is mildly threatening
Coincidentally, this is the same reason I don't want to undergo surgery in foreign countries.
A preposition is a bad thing to end a band name...with
- The Soogs
- The Cenotaph to Reynold's Memory
- Digger Smolkin
- No More Real Than You Are
News headline or Middle School Slang? "Wienermobile gets parking ticket"
Clair de la Lunacy Commision
- The Lunacy Commission
- The Lunacy Act of 1842
- Spiny Norman
- Spray Kleen®
- All-Night Wicker
- Sentimental Bikini
- Skinny Actress Girlfriend
- Dusk-To-Dawn Outlet
"All Night Wicker" is from a "Police Squad" episode.
Frequencies not expressed in hertz
- Boomstick Edition
- Psychic Bonsai
- Countably Infinite
- The Yoga Gangstas
"Countably Infinite" is a reference to that set theory problem about the hotel with the infinite number of rooms. What was the name of that thought experiment? I would like to invent my own hypertask experiment and call it:
- Wynkoop's Beautiful Supertask
See, most band name lists base their names on 70's TV shows, not on Discrete Math or particle physics. BTW "miscibility" refers to the ability of a property to reach chemical equilibrium (sort of). Good name for a female hip hop act.
Here's a poem. Or song lyrics. Whichever.
We Say We Do
There are frequencies not expressed in hertz
Like the pain we feel when we're in love
And though we rarely say we do
quite frequently we de-evolve.
Signals slide against the side
assailing, sailing, cross the wave
Neither aether makes it plain
which message marks the interleave.
Is my message getting through?
Or bounced back from the stratosphere
The frequency of falling stars
reminds me of my love for you.
And just because we say we do
which one is the one to blame?
We beat against the mix, I fear
the standing waves between us all.
Shaping the Difference through Delivering Customer Value
- Jonas Pony
- Corrosive Nostalgia
- Faux Motivation
- Debtor's Prison
- The Mighty Mouse, Heckle and Jeckle & Quackula Adventure Hour
Wasted Youth [the nerd version]
- The Breast Petals
- The Forth Wall (sic)
- The Solid Gold Danzas
- Logic Probe
- Cellulite of the Stars
Forth is obsolete, yet I somehow wasted my youth thinking it would be the next big thing. And don't get me started on Smalltalk.