Some people get paid to write stuff this good

Somebody told me that Stages of Grief author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has died.

At first, I couldn't believe it…

That's professional level comedy writing, people!!



A Tribute to Obscure Bands

"Ajax Transit Authority" could be a Dakoda Motor Company tribute band. I like the idea of tribute bands for groups nobody has ever heard of.

"Tainted Interval" I also find hilarious for some reason.

R.E. the Previous list, somebody pointed out that "William Hazlitt and the Biomechanical Lesbian" sounds like a David Bowie concept album from 1974.



William Hazlitt and the Biomechanical Lesbian

William Hazlitt discusses "The Public":
"There is not a more mean, stupid, dastardly, pitiful, selfish, spiteful, envious, ungrateful animal than The Public. It is the greatest of cowards because it is afraid of itself."
William Hazlitt was an English critic and essayist (1778 - 1830), friend to William Wordsworth and Samuel Taylor Coleridge. I return to Hazlitt frequently. His essays on gusto and the knocking on the gate in MacBeth are must-reads for any writer.

Here are today's new band names:
"Flume" would also be a good name for a soft drink. There would be "Flume" "Flume Lite(tm)" and "Sugar Free Diet Flume with Riboflavin".

"Biomechanical Lesbian" was suggested to me by an anonymous donor. It gets my band name of the month nomination, as I giggle every time I think about it. It reminds me of a stand-up act from the 80's where the woman claimed the word "lesbian" sounded more like the term for a professional technician. Like "Honey! The TV's on the fritz! We better call the Lesbian."



Tropes and Schemes: The Titillation Teens

Seems like we've had "Starfish Prime" before. It was just such a fascinating endeavor (if that's an appropriate term) that it would make a great concept band.

"Obligatory Titillation Teens" are stock characters in horror films. It's their job to go skinny dipping early in the film so the monster can get them. Essentially, they are the second plot point in act one after the origin of the conflict is hinted.

Or they can be the first casualties of a cold start (Dante's Peak, Piranha), and therefore the first plot point. They serve a dual purpose as conflict fodder *AND* exploitation material.

Geez, I should write a screenwriting book called "Meta-Tropes. How Not To Write A Screenplay."

Postum Scriptum: Google up "Sleeper Curve". I think you'll be interested.



Something for Everyone

"Odium Theologicum" is a neat word for the special hatred theologians feel for one another. It was true thousands of years ago, and it's true today. I especially like to get dogmatic Calvinists and Arminians at each other's throats. Ultimately it doesn't matter, because the Mormons will baptize them both after they're dead anyway.

We're kinda on a religious theme today aren't we? Yes, "Death Cookie" is from the Chick Tract. --Come to think of it, "Chick Tract" would be a good band name. But then I couldn't realistically expect Catholics to turn out to see the band. And the Latino crowd is the party crowd. You need them at a concert for critical mass.

So lets see, I've offended the religious and the ethnic. Maybe tomorrow I should do politics.

P.S. "24-Hour Kill Truck" is my Band Name Of The Month nominee.



Another classic 5-band name list

In retrospect I probably should have named the blog "My Band Names (plural) for Today".

The idea originally was that I'd have a band name for breakfast, another for lunch, and then a healthy milkshake.

No, really, before I started this list, I used to have band name time-blocks, where my friends would ask me if I'd changed my band name yet. The name changes got to be so frequent that I'd cycle through from three to five band names per day.

My girlfriend convinced me to start this blog so as not to burden her with them.

At any rate, the 5 band name list just sorta evolved as natural nomenclature pacing. If you look back at the old lists, some days would only have a couple of names, and some days would have twenty.

It's not like I have all sorts of time on my hands. I'm dang busy. I'm just full of band names. And I'm probably not that unusual.



Picnic Time for Humpy Bear

Today's phony band names:

*A sub-bass effect, if you choose to believe me.

I'll try to put up a picture of the Humpy Bear. Remind me if I don't get around to it.



If this doesn't get me banned by Net Nanny, nothing will.

I don't make this stuff up. Anyway, you've seen this news item in other places:
Man Sues Over Long-Lasting Erection

NEW YORK - A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism. They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

The lawsuit, filed late Monday, says Woods later had problems that required a hospital visit and penile artery embolization, a way of closing blood vessels. Closing off some blood flow prevents engorgement and lessens the
likelihood of an erection.

Woods' lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages, names Novartis Consumer Health Inc. as a defendant. A spokeswoman for the company, Brandi Robinson, said Tuesday the company was aware of the lawsuit but does not comment on pending litigation.

Woods' lawyer did not return telephone calls for comment Tuesday.

Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

A service of the Associated Press(AP)
Anyhow, you don't need me to tell you that the article is a minefield of risible material (if you'll excuse the term). So many questionable word choices. The stuff of which band names are made, I tells ya.

Your band names for today (from the news article alone):
  • Winter Shunt
  • Boost Plus
  • Christopher Woods
  • Severe Priapism
  • Penile Artery Embolization
  • Engorgement
  • Oral Supplement
I particularly like this clumsily-worded gem of information: "...he bought the nutrition beverage . . . at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it."

I'm glad they pointed out that he *drank* it. --So THAT was the vector of ingestion! I Hope that puts a stop to rumors from Marilyn Monroe conspiracy theorists that he introduced the beverage rectally.



Good Grief Norma Jean

Today Bob Barker tapes his last "Price is Right" episode. My maternal grandparents were crazy about that show. I still hear the yodeling theme of the “Cliff Hangers” game in my sleep from the years they baby-set me. And remember, "Have your pets spayed and neutered". I always wondered how you would accomplish both those dictums if you had only one pet.

Today's band names feature titles suggested by a Marilyn Monroe conspiracy documentary that I (partially) viewed over the weekend.

Poor Norma Jean--The parade of indignity never stops for her. The show rather indelicately suggested that her fatal dose of drugs was...neither swallowed nor injected.

Not injected with a needle, I mean.

*I* wouldn't have thought of it, but apparently there is one other way to get pills into the G.I. tract. No butts about it. I don't mean to be enigmatic.

Like I said: Poor Norma Jean.

Today's band names:

  • Barbiturate Enema
  • The Malvern Dinosaurs
  • Pocket Mass
  • Artificial Stomach
  • Deadly Enema Theory.

"Pocket Mass" is a repeat from a classic blog. I had to remind people once again that I am not *that* Mark Wynkoop. Also, it gives me a chance to use that nifty photo!

A "Mark Wynkoop" is in the news for saving a dog. Although I'd like to think of myself as a conserver of dogs, again, I'm not *that* Mark Wynkoop. If somebody had made sure their pet was both spayed and neutered, that whole situation could have been avoided.

Mark Wynkoop: Dog Savior
The Marilyn Monroe documentary also featured a phrase you don't hear every day: "With the help of our artificial stomach, we'll be able to see how the levels of Barbiturates rise."

I think a medical examiner quoted on the show said it best: "I've seen over 2000 overdoses, and none of them were by enema."

Goodnight everybody.

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