My Band Name For Today

We turn now from slightly risqué material to really distasteful material. I'm talking, of course, about country “music”, the music of pain.

It's easy to produce. Indeed, even though techno, hip hop and Tejano can be piddled together accidentally by careless bunglers, country music is produced naturally as a by-product of the radioactive decay of rusty tractor parts.

It is organized into AABA song format in Nashville by non-union temps working out of trailer homes, and distributed by Wal-Mart throughout the civilized world and parts of the UK.

If written in any other time signature than 4/4, there is an OSHA regulation requiring it to be titled “The [fill-in-the-blank] Waltz.” As you can imagine, this has played havoc with the dreams of literally thousands of country artists, who yearn to write songs in 5/4, 7/8 and 9/8.

Inspired by the lure of BIG BIG profits shaved from the paychecks of middle-class women aged 24-48, I have devised my own country music album, ironically untitled (I am considering the title "Country Matters" as a Shakespeare allusion to further alienate my audience).

Here is a list of the songs written especially for this tour de force. I composed them while wranglin' Belgian draft horses through the arroyos of the Colorado badlands:

• Track 1: THX Intro


• Track 2: Turn The Lights Down Hazel


• Track 3: Marry Me A Purdy Movie Star


• Track 4: Cisco, Utah


• Track 5: Got Me a Car (Went Down To the Bar)


• Track 6: I'm Not Gay


• Track 7: Hiding My Politics From My Right Wing Fans


• Track 8: I'm A Real Cow Boy (The Genetic Mutation Song)


• Track 9: Song for Lonely City Dwelling White Women Who Are My Main Demographic


• Track 10: The John Wayne School A' Elocution
• Track 11: I'm Lyin' Through My Teeth When I'm Singin' Through My Nose

Yes, I am that cowboy in the picture.

This is long before me 'n Chuck were Texas Rangers