The Egg McGuffin
- VHS Death March
- The Vidalia Sandbar Fight
- I Thought You Were Dale
- Jackie Coogan Mellencamp
- Northern Cities Vowel Shift
- The Ill-Considered Shrugs
- Clowns of Science
- Poo Bus
- A Lifetime of Bicentennial Quarters
- The Killer Dillons*
When I was a very small child, I heard about the new "Bicentennial Quarter" design. I told my parents about how the back side would feature a little drummer boy.
They laughed and laughed.
Probably saved me from a severe dalliance with numismatism. Thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks for laughing at me.
- Bad Blooming Algae
Band Name Archaeology
Warning: They might be repeats. You decide. Here Goes:
- Root Lifter
- Meta Balls
- Knob Hill (pretty sure they already exist)
- Nuclear Whipping Boy
- The Monotremes
- Sterile Panda
Note 1: You can tell how old this is via letterhead analysis. US Monolithics doesn't exist anymore. They were bought out by VIASAT.
Note 2: Also, look how I misspelled "nuclear" on the note. Enjoy.
Bonus:Another edition of
Terms That Don't Mean What I Think They Do
- Rump Parliament
A Short Scene for Two Juvenile Actresses*
Teen 1 (dictating): "I believe I should be elected to student government because I enjoy helping people and the community..."Teen 2 (stops typing): "No you don't!"Teen 1: "SHUT UP, Rachel!!!"
- Emotional Eating
- Tapetum Lucidum
- A Destructive Sense of Ownership
- Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop
- Planck Time
- Damaged Manatees
- Rockwell Hardness
- Hex Shank Bits
- Rotten Pants
- Teenage Science Prodigy
- Person Head
- The Misery Index
- Unimaginative Sports Metaphor
What I'm Pitching This Week
Slug line: A former ghost must save her sick robot daughter's talking dog when tragically romantic vampire ninja assassins move into the neighborhood.
--Call me! Vivendi expressed a lot of interest in this, but we'd like to go with you.
Classy until the very end.
- Danks & Briscoe
- Specific Dream Rabbit
- Companion Airfare
- God's Vodka
- Weird Science Hero
- Coreflood Botnet*
- Reptilian Brain Dance
- Krasnikov Tube
- In Medias Res
Wheel of Fortune Questions continued.
Wheel of Fortune Questions (Second in a Series)
Hey, Internet, I have a question:
How much does it cost to buy a vowel on "Wheel of Fortune"?
- The Stingless Bees of Ireland
- Rigged Ticket Lottery
- Wave of Sniffles
- Hurricane Hazel
- Normal Judy
The Final Word on the 3 Men And A Baby Ghost Controversy
I just saw the "ghost scene" in "3 men and a baby" for the first time since the original theatrical run. (See, because I'm really old.)
At any rate, I am still shaking with terror! Not because of the ghost. But because I'm so old.
>> The truth is that Celeste Holm was forced to deny this, as the ghost had already threatened her and the other stars in the movie on many occasions.
The Monkeys You Ordered are Here
- A Nation Of Fillions
- Naked Allusion
- The Fossicking Rucksacks
- The Monkeys You Ordered
- Internet Bacon
- Gum Paste Flowers
- The Bob Ross Joy of Painting Extravaganza
- Cogito Eggo sum (I think, therefore I'm a waffle)
- Cialis Doesn't Live Here any More
- The Bonks
- Syrupy Mother Liqueur *
- Jack Makes Nick Doubt Victor
- Pizza Blot
- Safe, Comfortable Female
- Transmission Gel
- Smelly Wellington
- Wellington's Ooze
- Dem Klang auf der Spur
- The Roaming Numerals (that one is horrible. I profoundly apologize)
- The Laziest Ice Sculpture in Town
- No New Pets
I fell in love with a Starship Trooper
- Corporate Power Suit Moo-Moo
- Naked Girl Gets Pizza
- The Rural Purge
- Instamatic Karma
- The Governor & J.J.
- Weird Naked Levitation Ritual
- The Trick Vessels
- Safety Angel
- The Sam Fuller Screenplay Experience
BTW, yesterday's "For The Love Of Dracula" is my early nomination for Band Name of the Month. It could also be a heartwarming "Benji" style movie.
- Economy Dentures
- Fuller's Earth
- For The Love Of Dracula
- Chain Reaction -- To MURDER!
- Fistulous Wither
- Mormon Circus
- Finger Millet
- Low-Budget Scare Tactics
- Grow a pair, Mary
Entertainment Aspect: Powerful
You band names for today:
- The Bolster
- Lotion Warmer
- Hand Bike
- Sinus Pillow
These "adult" sounding gizmos are all in daily use at the physical therapy place I frequent. Who says physical therapy cant be sexy?*
* I do.
- Memory Pizza
- Blot, Spray, Blot
- Universal Pantograph
- Psychic Jewelry
- Benign But Weird
- Space Archaeologist
- Radioactive Boars
- Red in the Silent Spot
- The Iconic Humanitarians
- Sims Must Wash Hands
- Special Occasion China
- Nun Ceremony
- Carmack's Reverse
- Depth Fail
- Blood Tremors
- Zito Bros. Trapeze Academy
- Visual Companion
- Tap And Die
- Psycho Panda Bear
- Delenn Inducted
- Brick Chili
- Vela Hotel
- Cracker Juice
- Welfare Cadillac
- Nuisance Bark
- Charity Pop
- Gladys Kravitz
- Warlord of Mars
- A Deadly Crack (TM)
Gladys Kravitz wasn't Lenny's mom. She was the nosy neighbor on "Bewitched". "Deadly Crack" is a homage to the Asylum's terrific (?!) Z-grade disaster movie "MegaFault". It's not good in the conventional sense, but neither am I.
- Jefferson Airplane Pillow
- Curry's Paradox
- Undersea Robot Maneuvers
- Uncle Mustard
Cinco Band Names
- Indestructible Chimpanzee
- Thunder Wookiees
- Cartoon Floyd
- Kitten with a Chaingun
- Racking Focus
- Big Time Mustard Production
- The Beamsplitting Pellicles
- Rice Parameter
- The Crystalline Entity
- Lighter Fluid Donut
- Backyard Dentist
- Slausen's Lost Oasis
- Johnny Brassbuttons
- Frozen Sausage to the Head
- The Ghost of Flooz
- Force Lightning
- The Last Subscriber
Have I mentioned that I've got like a hundred thousand dollars worth of uncashed Flooz? Will anybody accept it in exchange for goods or services? Whoopi? Anybody?
The Internets Hate Me
- Exploding Bear
- King Toe
- The Flynn Effect
- Preteen Thugs
- Flatulent Robot
"King Toe" is an actual brand of work boot which you can (probably) purchase on the Internets. I will never know. The Internets Hate Me.
Interoffice emails that raise more questions than they answer
Let me preface this by saying that I don't work in one of those hip TV-style freewheeling offices. I work with old people who think that electricity is a fad.
Subject: PieThere is something so unhip-it's-cool about that pie poll*.
If everyone emails me their favorite type of pie, I will bring in the pie with the highest votes tomorrow.
In fact its so cool, it makes me kind of suspicious.
I give "Pie" today's honorary Admiral Akbar "It's a Trap!" award.
* Good thing it wasn't a pot pie poll. And that Khmer Rouge despot Pol Pot wasn't involved in the pot pie poll.
- Puzzle Car
- Hanging Indent
- Petticoat Dungeon
- Rusty Bolt Effect
- Mop Replacement Head
The Inedible Moment
Word Jazz for the Internet Age
"What did you say? It was a what moment?"
"I couldn't believe that scene," she said. "it was a pretty inedible moment."
"inedible moment. I thought it was a really inedible moment."I had been through this before with her.
I knew better than to try.
But that didn't stop me. "'inedible'? Are you sure that's what you want?"
"Inedible. I'll never forget it.""Whatever. I guess you're entitled to your uniformed opinion."
Erykah Badu in the news again
What? You say she's a musician, not a skater?
--Never heard of her.
- Robot Ciccone
- Fischer-Griess Monster
- Elusive Monkey
- Quantum Ground State
"Quantum Ground State" would certainly be the coolest band ever.... These are the jokes, folks.
- The Underground Railroad
- The Shot Heard 'Round The World
- Little Women
Your Band Names for today:
- Evaporating Dog
- The Puckers
- Unprofessional Ultrasound Experience
- The Soapies
- The Collar Stays
- Hover Bacon
- Mildly Apocalyptic
- Type 6 Shuttlecraft
- Accessory Nipple
Home Is Not A Valid Toad
And that thing is Autocomplete Me.
Autocomplete Me is a website that collects the most insane Google auto-completes all in one place. What is an auto-complete, you say? Well, raise your hand if something like the following scenario has happened to you:
You type something--something perfectly innocuous, mind you--into Google. Something like "Tricycles". And the search suggestions (the so-called "auto-complete") comes up with something like "Tricycles ate my dog and cleaned out my bank account".
I've often wondered why Google includes a few things on the list that... Well, a few things that would cause Salvador Dali to throw up his hands and say "This is just too weird. This is nothing but random nonsense".
Autocomplete Me collects some of the craziest ones in one place, and allows people to comment on them and make connections, or even submit there own. Chaos ensues.
Here are some examples from the site:
- "Home is n"
- "Home is not a valid Toad"
- "Donkeys ar"
- "Donkeys aren't Monkeys"
- "Donkeys are Aliens"
- "Why do I h"
- "Why do I have 4 nipples?"
1) You can't hope to go to Google and type these examples and get the same results. Auto-complete is based on the zeitgeist of what is being searched for right now, which makes it even MORE baffling and upsetting.
2) Auto-complete is a great hidden resource for song lyrics. Admit it, you've got 3 or 4 lines centered around the phrase "home is not a valid toad" kicking around in your subconscious already.
What more can I say? I'm sure Google could suggest something. Go forth and auto-complete (links to off-site blog).
Google Auto-complete is like a killer app for band names.
How could I ever compete with something as awesome as "My Mouth Is Full of Drop-kicking Astronauts"?
The cool thing is, it seems totally random, but it is not. Somebody is actually searching on that term right now!
- Community Microwave
- Pulsatile Tinnitus
- Dead Planet Beta
- Hero Dog Saves Internet
Today's Weekly Annual Band Name of the Month
- Persuade or Compell
- Elaborate Shiv
"Elaborate Shiv" is Today's Annual Band Name of the Month for this decade. You always hear about someone getting stabbed with a "crude shiv". Or someone fashioning a "crude shiv" out of a toothbrush.
Why never an elaborate, bejeweled, well-crafted-by-Dutch-artisans shiv?
Of course its a crude shiv, you dopes. If the guy making it was Thomas Edison, he'd have his think-tank whip up a cesium-ion powered particle beam. If the guy was da Vinci or Einstein he wouldn't need the shiv in the first place.
All shivs are crude. Just drop the extra word, okay guys?
- Erasure Channels
- Chicken Flavored Base
- The Croup
- Kingdom of the Spiders
- The Laffer Curve
- Johnny Two-Lunches
- Plastic Donut
- Glamor Shot Effect
- Chairs And Stairs
- Noodle Juice
- Visual Creatures
- The Fundamental Lemma
- Uncle Sugardaddy
- The Refractory Period
A Cummerbund Of Suspense
- Woodpeckers of Mistrust
- The Halting Problem
- Monad Burrito Factory
- Bach's Endlessly Rising Canon
They say our generation will finally be in control when Simpson's quotes finally supplant rock & roll lyrics in the breezy sort of newspaper headlines.
I say, what's a newspaper?
The birthday wishes have been pouring in, if by "pouring" I mean a few dozen, which I do. Thanks folks.
"Monad Burrito Factory" is officially the most obscure reference ever attempted on this list. Even if you knew the source, it would still seem insanely idiosyncratic...but compelling!
Dinosaur Fossils Rock
The name of the dinosaur is Tawana Brawley.
I'm sorry. The name of the dinosaur, if reports are to be believed, is Tawa Hallae, which is Latin for "I'm holding my tongue while I name this dinosaur".
If you go to to this website you can see a huge version of this picture.
I don't know who did the rendering, but there is a caption that says "Jorge Gonzales".
I choose to believe that the name of this dinosaur is Jorge Gonzales.
Say it with me. Jorge ("hoor-hay") Gonzales.
Jorge Gonzales is a much better dinosaur name than Tawa Hallae. Or Tawana Brawley, for that matter. Imagine (with me) the next Jurassic Park, facing off against the deadly Jorge Gonzales:
"Let's get out of here before Jorge Gonzales severs our spines with his razor-sharp teeth and claws!"See, so life in the 21st century might be fraught with peril, but at least we don't have to worry about being sprayed with toxins from the deadly venom sac...
"Jorge Gonzales hunts mostly by sight, but he has a special sensory organ in his snout that makes him just as dangerous at night!"
"Lock and load! --This time, Jorge Gonzales is gonna stay extinc...---WAAUGH!!"
The deadly venom sac of Jorge Gonzales.
- Permutations of Delay
- Wham, Texas
- His Illustrative Hand
- Regatta of Death
- Dimensional Lumber
"Wham, Texas" is the fictional town where Max Brand (psued.) placed the action in "Destry Rides Again".
"His Illustrative Hand" From an article about the oddball Michael Caine horror pic "The Hand", where he is a comic book writer who gets his hand lopped off in an accident. Of course it was His Illustrative Hand, or else ya got no drama. And of course that hand seeks supernatural vengeance, or else ya got no horror. Oliver Stone directs, and it's the most sensible picture he ever made.
"Regatta of Death" is from an ape-bat crazy sequence of the ape-bat crazy 1970's Japanese movie "The Last Days of Man on Earth", which came from the Godzilla folks at Toho Pictures. Show them this when someone claims what a brilliant time the '70's were for international cinema.
See, there's a story for every band name, and sometimes the band names are a lot more interesting if I don't tell the stories.
Here's an exception:
"Dimensional Lumber" is simply the industry term for boards pre-cut to standard sizes (like the good old two-by-four).Happy new year, folks.
If you want to "get" somebody with an evil trick question, ask them how many inches thick and wide a 2x4 is. The actual answer is 1/2 inch shorter than the stated dimensions. My bet is 99% of people will get it wrong in one way or another.
For another type of hilarity, take a 2x4 back to a lumber yard or home store, and tell them you got cheated. Hilarity ensues...
PS I wanted to put a picture here of HomeClub, a national home improvement warehouse chain that later became HomeBase and then folded in 2000 after amassing millions in debt. I wanted to post such a picture, but there isn't one photo of HomeClub (the store) on the net. There are other HomeClubs, but not the (in)famous chain. Let's hear it, former HomeClub employees! Where is you pride? Certainly not on Flikr!
The Butt Set
Remember when you would see the phone guy in your neighborhood, and he had that weird phone on his toolbelt (see image)? That was the only cool, different-looking phone you ever actually saw.
I know there were all sorts of other designs, but a typical kid never saw them in the real world. Most phones were the same, and everyone had that same set at their house. Sure, occasionally it was tinted green, but it was the same phone. Eventually, my parents had a baby blue version of the phone in their bedroom. I used this fact to astonish my friends, as they had never seen such a thing. They thought I was making it up.
Of course there were futuristic designer phones in movies and on TV. But except for sci-fi flicks and shows about rich people, the only really different looking phone you ever saw was on the belt of the phone guy.
Well, it turns out that phone is called a "Butt Set". You heard me. "Butt set". I am not making that up.
The pranking practically writes itself. I can imagine a series of conversation between dispatchers and kids pretending to be phone guys: Requests for replacements for unsightly misshapen butt sets, orders for interns to bring left-handed butt sets, or complaints that when the phone guy showed up, his butt set had a visible crack in it.
I could probably easily find out more info to tell you about the butt set, but there is no way I'm going to Google a term like "Butt Set". You're on your own folks.
Happy new year.
- The Astringents
- The Case of Tommy Tucker
- Safety Island
- Hex Converter
- Unattended Mailbox
- Camel-mounted Artillery
- Bad Movie Etiquette
- Parasitic Twin
- Bargain Towel
- Vertical Blanking Interval
- Two Minutes of Hate
- Silk Is Like Soft, But This Was Like Wool
- Dirty Santa
* In 1985
"Dirty Santa" is a Chinese auction-style gift exchange. Thanks for the tip, Tina. But I refuse to watch your singing contest TV show.
Best recent album name I did not come up with:
"Fight Like Apes" (the band), have an EP with the title "David Carradine is a Bounty Hunter Whos Robotic Arm Hates Your Crotch".
Interesting spelling of "whos", by the way.
MTV contacted me about using the Band Names as a series of interstitial features. The deal fell through when they found out that bands are musical groups, and there is no music on MTV anymore.
I made that up.
There is no such thing as MTV.
- Levitated Hippie
- Finagle's Constant
- Lasagna Sandwich
- Syncretic Cretins
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Happy Pearl Harbor Day. 30 Years ago today I was a little tiny kid standing out in the snowy rain to see "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" on opening night. My life's story is chronicled in the motion picture "Free Enterprise".
RE Pearl Harbor and ST:TMP--No linkage, but you can make up your own metaphors. Frankly the movie blew my little pre-teen mind--in a good way.
Whether it was a successful film or not, it engendered my Jones for big-concept "brain" science fiction--As opposed to "high concept" (e.g. down-market) "blow stuff up" science fiction.
Of course, its easy to see which way the market evolved.
Enjoy your band names, carbon units.
- The Premotels
- Septimus Pretorius
- She Has A Little Monkey
- Ghost Pilots
- Dental Strauss
- Pole of Inaccessibility
- Poison Pog
- Paradiddle Flam
- Reverse Bones
"Paradiddle Flam" may sound like a naughty desert item, but I assure you it is a real thing.
"Reverse Bones" is based on the TV show "Castle", whose scenario is a reversed version of the same TV show, "Bones" (the series principles get a sex change, which, if it were literally true, would make a more interesting police procedural than 99% of the cop-doctor shows the networks have been churning out for the last 20 years).
I'm going to write a screenplay called "Reverse Titanic."
- Artificial-Birth Primate
- Soup Demon
- The Choke Ghosts
- Persistent World
- Extraordinary Ray
- Super Monkey Collider
- Bible Regal
- Cave of Swallows
Bible Regal isn't what you think it is. It is an intricately decorated book-shaped instrument from the late middle ages that didn't survive much past the the 16th century. The ones I've heard sound pretty reedy. You could equate the sound with an accordion, but much thinner, like 2 detuned square waves beating against each other. I don't think there is a Wikipedia article for "Bible Regal", but I can't be bothered.
Cave of Swallows just sounds wrong, but they assure me it is a thing.
The Contrary Music Awards
Maybe it's a TV series. Every week they award the endless terabytes of new content churned out by by the diesel smoke-belching, rusty tractor-shaped songwriting machines in Nashville.Well, how about just one more:
Maybe they should have a county music awards show that gives out awards for county music awards shows.
Maybe I should trot out the rest of the old jokes about awards shows.
[fake southern accent] : "--And now the award...for the best county song...written on a Tuesday..."
- The Proto-Sporks
- Chase The Chuckwagon
- One Collision, Three Allisions, and a Grounding
- Complete Lack of Hasselhoff
It's for your Atari 2600, and came as a free premium from the fine people at Ralston Purina.
I think it would make a most cromulent band name.
I did not have this game, but I did get "Kool-Aid Man" by saving points from Kool-Aid packets.
Rules for band names
My first thought (as always) is "where do you people keep getting my email address?"
But I will break my "do not explain" policy one more time for this:
- The first rule of the Band Name List is, "Do not talk about the band name list."
- The second rule is similar.
- Spirit Mum
- Haunted By A Pint Of Milk
- Noxious Weeds
- The Three Known Photographs Of Henry Darger
I saw a (mocked-up) Weekly World News on a recent episode of Supernatural. Made me miss the genuine article, which I never bought, but was glad existed. Today's "Pint of Milk" was inspired by a British paper in the style of the Weekly World News, which is somehow still being published.
BTW, I am not an automatic fan of Henry Darger. I'm sorry for his hard luck life, but I don't automatically give artists free passes for all sorts of quantum weirdness.
After all, we're all artists here, right? If everybody is a special case--a freaky talent, kid-glove savant who is special and extraordinary, then nobody is special and extraordinary. Man-up and face Reality.
--"Reality", being defined as the thing that continues to exist whether you believe in it or not.
The very elderly Al Hunt is back with his patented list of high-larious band names.
I had to help out this year because Al's middle aged grandson Jeffy is in rehab for prawn addiction.
I am not trying to be cagey. Little Jeffy is addicted to jumbo shrimp.
We now present this year's "Famous Monsters of Filmland"-Style band name list:
- Lady Gag-Ball
- Earth Wind and Uninsured Fire Damage
- The Hex Pistols
- Rage Against The Very Scary Machine
- Josh Groban (stet, ed.)
- Lynyrd Skinned-Nerd
- Katy Scarry
- Mary J. Bilge ("Ha!" writes Al, "That one kills! Mad magazine would have loved that one!")
- Taylor Swift-Kick in the Groin
- National Debt-tallica
- Bob Marley and the Illegal Whalers
2008 (Summary: Features the horrifying visage of Eleanor Roosevelt)
2007 (Summary: Al makes racist comments, gets edited)
2006 (Summary: Little Jeffy begins to be a liability)
2005 (Summary: Al asks for an exorbitant fee. We offer $5. He takes it.)
- Palm Tree Heroes
- Sharp Practice
- Ear Hook
- Bipolar Cheerleader
- Dog Shirt
Will I spill all the details? Only if you really bug me about it.
- Super Pregnant
- Pantone 146 U
- BLACK MARIAH
- Balloon Hoax Boy
- Neonatal Harmonica
- Monster Island
- Inverted Sugar
- 13 Frightened Girls
- Kneel Before Zod
- Internet Vasectomy Club
I have developed hundred of websites for corporate clients and can affirm that a number of companies would probably prefer similar requirements from their web guy.
Sorry, baby. You're messing with the wrong webmaster.
* Retroactive Hatred
"Retroactive Hatred" is a contribution from my buddy Paxton who is living up in D.C. these days. I hope there is no personal message intended. Most guys send you email that just says "Retroactive Hatred", you have to assume some kind of vendetta has started.
Not saying I haven't given him good reasons...
- A Full Roaring Boil
- Sore Nipple Solutions
- Westerlund One
- Random Dot Autostereogram
- As Dead as the Moon
- Space Clown
- The Odd-Toed Ungulates
- Tin Whiskers
- Killer Whiskers
Deadly Tin Whiskers are here, and they have already KILLED!
50's sci-fi hyperbole? Nope. In the headlong rush to make everything lead-free, inferior substitutes are causing deadly danger in the aviation industry. Just thought you might need something else to worry about.
Re Odd-Toed Ungulates:
Confessions of the obscure: Here's another crazy tangent from my c.v. - I have spent more time around tapirs (whatever that is) than is really necessary, specifically Bards Tapir. They are interesting critters (and keen judges of character).
Bonus Unsolicited Opinion: --In my estimation tapirs are smarter than horses.
That, and 99 cents will buy you a new instant coffee at Starbucks.
- Fiber In the Sky
- The Flehmen Response
- Jacobson's Organ
- Underwater Photo Society
I've done some research on the addresses on the envelope, and it would take a novel of Da Vinci Code proportions to explain why he found it where it was. Let's just say that time machines probably do exist, and Grey Aliens are stockpiling plasma for the coming Aquarian transformation.
Anyway, here's the envelope:
- Ceramic Christmas Penguin
- Slot Canyon
- Crime Tape
- Female Horror Villains
- Scary By Accident
- Cumbersome Essence
- Figures of Fun
- God's Own Casino
- Financial Crisis Commission
- Secret Annex
Vocal Fry Contest:
- Snack Drum
- Keen Desire
- Vocal Fry Contest
- Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
- Sleeve City *
A few words about the Vocal Fry Contest:
I would surely win in any vocal fry contest. My problem is that I laugh. If I could learn not to laugh, I would win any vocal fry contest. Vocal fry contest.
Have I said "vocal fry contest" enough for your taste yet? If so, then it is today's candidate for semantic satiation.
Vocal fry contest.
See how I just assumed you knew what the fry register is? I know that you're smart like that.
In the near future I'll do some humor based on male whistle tones.
- Nuns of Anarchy
- Frog Bra
- Cough Etiquette
- Phone Ghost
- The Poison Spitters
- Hand Zap Encore
- Jimmi Hendiatris Experience
- Ranch Ape Dozen
- Pillow Monster
- Monkey Grinder
- Paco Hernandez
- Cache of Cool
- Diapers of the Mind
Hello. I am strongly considering changing my name to "Paco Hernandez". I have the feeling that I could get away with anything if my name was "Paco Hernandez".
"Paco Hernandez" just comes with its own cache of cool. If my name were Paco Hernandez, I would constantly refer to myself in the third person.
Someone could tell me to do some boneheaded thing and I would just say "Hey Baby, Paco Hernandez doesn't roll that way." It would be awesome.
Anything I say becomes an instant catchphrase when I follow it with "Or my name isn't Paco Hernandez!" E.g. "Rap, Rock and Pop have become increasingly moribund...--or my name isn't Paco Hernandez!"
I would intentionally mispronounce words to work my name into them. Take (for example) Johann Pachelbel's Canon in D. --I’d call it “Paco-bell’s Cannon” instead.
And I’d refer to French geopolitical districts as “Hernandez-ments” instead of Arrondissements (you’d be surprised how often that comes up).
In my honor the Unix text editor PICO would be renamed “Paco” (you’d be surprised how often that comes up).
Finally, I would be able to claim that my name was an anagram for “Crap Hazed Neon” or “A Pranced Zen Ho”, OR “Nacho Raped Zen”.
Also, I could evade my many, many creditors.
If my name were Paco Hernandez, I would work every day to make the world a hipper, more laid-back place, because life can be harsh. And Paco Hernandez doesn't roll that way.
Paco Hernandez. If I were Paco Hernandez, even my middle name would be Paco Hernandez.
And that's a promise--from Paco Hernandez.
- Diaphanous Robots
- Post Nasal Drips
- Haunted Attraction
- Ancient Robots
--I somehow envision the logo/ad campaign easily in my mind...