The Egg McGuffin

What I'm Pitching to Hollywood this week:

Mac and Me, Too!
The Egg McGuffin

Written by… (Kyle Friel, currently suing the WGA for credit stolen by Mark Wynkoop)

Story Treatment
Wheelchair-bound college student Michael Cruise is desperate to get breakfast before his class (where he does some computer thing).  Along with his Mysterious Alien Creature (MAC, who befriended him as a boy), they come up against endless obstacles, including government agents, Michel’s suspicious girlfriend, and an inept “burglar” who is quite a “ham”, as (potentially) portrayed by Jeremy Piven, Nicholas Cage, Adam Sandler, Ryan Reynolds, Jon Favreau or Johnny Depp.
Unbeknownst to them, the McMuffin wrapper is encrypted with a top-secret quantum code.  
But that’s pretty complex, so let’s just say the wrapper is a map that leads to some gold
The antagonists steal the McMuffin, leading them on a wild chase that returns the principal characters to McDonald's.
When they finally arrive, they are crestfallen to learn that breakfast hours are over.  The lifelong chums are reinvigorated, discovering that the McMuffin was not what they really wanted, but that the real gold is the friendship they share inside each of them.  In a heartwarming twist of corporate synergy, the CEO arrives, announcing the new “breakfast all day” policy.
The film ends on an upbeat note with an extended dance sequence set to “I’m a Believer”, or possibly “Don’t Stop Believin’”.  The dance spreads from the upscale McDonald's to the streets, triumphantly ending with an orbital pan, revealing the Earth slowly spinning in front of the M-shaped constellation of Cassiopeia.

Post Credit Stinger:
A flare from one of the stars in Cassiopeia heralds the arrival of an evil-looking starship.   It is a bounty hunter sent to return MAC to his people.  The craft lands near the McDonald's, where the elaborate dance number is ongoing
The “Burgher” bounty hunter (or possibly “King” bounty hunter, or possibly both) sneaks to the perimeter of the bushes, in order to grab MAC. —Suddenly, Samuel L. Jackson steps from behind a tree and shoots the sneaky king with a complex ray gun.    
Whip-pan to a close up of Jackson, fading to black as he quips “I’m in this, too.




My band names for today:

* Yes, this is a Three Stooges reference.  Don't be a big palooka, you mugs.  

The poo bus was an unsuccessful UK attempt at running a bus on, uh, let's say "bio-fuel".  Who could have predicted...  

Aw, I don't have it in me.  Write your own jokes.  

When I was a very small child, I heard about the new "Bicentennial Quarter" design.  I told my parents about how the back side would feature a little drummer boy

They laughed and laughed.

Probably saved me from a severe dalliance with numismatism.  Thanks Mom and Dad.  Thanks for laughing at me.


My Band Name For Today:

  • Bad Blooming Algae
You may have noticed I haven't posted for a couple weeks.  I've been away constructing a yurt.



Band Name Archaeology

Found a note page the other day with a bunch of band names scribbled on it (during a cross-country flight, IIRC).
Warning: They might be repeats. You decide. Here Goes:

Note 1: You can tell how old this is via letterhead analysis.  US Monolithics doesn't exist anymore.  They were bought out by VIASAT.
Note 2: Also, look how I misspelled "nuclear" on the note.  Enjoy.


Another edition of
Terms That Don't Mean What I Think They Do



Liquid Infection



A Short Scene for Two Juvenile Actresses*

* And I use the decidedly un-P.C. term "Actresses" quite advisedly.

Teen 1 (dictating): "I believe I should be elected to student government because I enjoy helping people and the community..."

Teen 2 (stops typing): "No you don't!"

Teen 1: "SHUT UP, Rachel!!!"



I would never get a piercing or a tattoo, but when genetic engineering kicks into full throttle, I'm totally going for human tapetum lucidum. You can call me "Bright Eyes".

BTW, "Planck Time" has nothing to do with planking, the big internet hit of, oh about 4 years ago. Read a book, you freaks.



The Rockwell scale is my geek comedy gift to you.





What I'm Pitching This Week

Untitled Lifetime TV Project:

Slug line: A former ghost must save her sick robot daughter's talking dog when tragically romantic vampire ninja assassins move into the neighborhood.

--Call me! Vivendi expressed a lot of interest in this, but we'd like to go with you.



Classy until the very end.

My buddy Clive says he wants to leave this world the same way he came into it: A single gunshot wound to the face.






* from news story "Department of Justice and FBI Take Down Huge Coreflood Botnet"


Mark Wynkoop is a man of many moods and many lethal karate moves, which he formulated on a ski weekend in Paradox Colorado. He was born to string words together and slip them inside your sexy brain.

What I'm Listening to:
When You See (Those Flying Saucers) - The Buchanan Brothers

What I'm Thinking:
Many aspiring writers take the injunction to "write what you know" entirely too seriously, resulting in numerous bad novels about English professors contemplating adultery.

What I'm Quoting:
"Vagueness is at times necessary and mystery is never in short supply, but I dont think they're anything to worship. Genuine science and mathematical precision are more intriguing than are the "facts" published in supermarket tabloids or romantic innumeracy which fosters credulity, stunts skepticism, and dulls one to real imponderables."
--Innumeracy: Mathematical Illiteracy and Its Consequences
John Allen





Wheel of Fortune Questions continued.

Okay, so I've determined that you only have to pay once, no matter how many of your selected vowels exist. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that's how it works.

My next question: Sometimes people spin the wheel and it lands on cards with prizes like trips or high dollar amounts. When this happens, they remove the card and keep it. Yet they rarely (never) seem to win the million dollars or the trip. Whats up with that?



Wheel of Fortune Questions (Second in a Series)

Okay, so NateF24C (via Internet) tells me that a vowel costs $250.

NateF24C (if that is your real name), thanks. I pity you.

Now my second question- Say I buy an "E" and there are eight "E"s. Does that mean it just cost me a cool two grand?

If so, that's horrible. Instead of cheering when a requested vowel appears, people should groan.



Hey, Internet, I have a question:

How much does it cost to buy a vowel on "Wheel of Fortune"?

I take it back. If you really know the answer to that, you probably wouldn't like to hang out with cynical hipster dirtbag guys like us.





The Final Word on the 3 Men And A Baby Ghost Controversy

I just saw the "ghost scene" in "3 men and a baby" for the first time since the original theatrical run. (See, because I'm really old.)

At any rate, I am still shaking with terror! Not because of the ghost. But because I'm so old.

Anyway, celebrated actress Celeste Holm and the entire film crew denies the whole "ghost" thing.

--How typical. Another glaring example of Big Hollywood pushing their rationalist empirical skepticism agenda.

But the whole thing does lead to one of my favorite messages from an online message board in years. "kaf-14" posts the following:
>> The truth is that Celeste Holm was forced to deny this, as the ghost had already threatened her and the other stars in the movie on many occasions.



The Monkeys You Ordered are Here


  • Gum Paste Flowers
  • The Bob Ross Joy of Painting Extravaganza
  • Cogito Eggo sum (I think, therefore I'm a waffle)
  • Cialis Doesn't Live Here any More
  • The Bonks



* Ran across "Syrupy Mother Liqueur" in a sugar documentary. Yes. Sugar documentary.

"Syrupy Mother Liqueur" sounds hilarious when you say it out loud. Lucky for me, the narrator said it over and over, which became amusing to my girlfriend after awhile.

It sounds like something us kids would have called each other in public school.


Good Morgan, Herr Baron. Here are mein band names for today.



Oscar Bait screenplay I'm pitching this week:
"Obama/Urkel". It's exactly like Frost/Nixon, but substitute Obama and Urkel. It would be the most awesome thing ever.



I fell in love with a Starship Trooper

RE Corporate Power Suit Moo-Moo:
I know its "Mumu", BTW. I just like it better the way it was sent to me.

Speaking of, I always thought a Corporate Power Suit should include some kind of power-ups, like Iron Man or the Exo-Suits from the real Starship Troopers.
Why go to the bother of putting on a suit that doesn't at least force-multiply your strength by a factor of ten?



BTW, yesterday's "For The Love Of Dracula" is my early nomination for Band Name of the Month. It could also be a heartwarming "Benji" style movie.


  • Economy Dentures
  • Fuller's Earth
  • For The Love Of Dracula
  • Chain Reaction -- To MURDER!
  • Fistulous Wither





Entertainment Aspect: Powerful

Hello folks. 2010 was tough for me (and I'm not even a registered Democrat). Let's just forget about it and move forward like nothing happened, shall we?

You band names for today:

These "adult" sounding gizmos are all in daily use at the physical therapy place I frequent. Who says physical therapy cant be sexy?*

* I do.


I saw a sign for "Psychic Jewelry" on a recent trip. Its the jewelry that knows ahead of time you're not going to buy it.











Gladys Kravitz wasn't Lenny's mom. She was the nosy neighbor on "Bewitched". "Deadly Crack" is a homage to the Asylum's terrific (?!) Z-grade disaster movie "MegaFault". It's not good in the conventional sense, but neither am I.





Cinco Band Names

What dayo de Mayo is this? Aye Yi Yi!!!







Have I mentioned that I've got like a hundred thousand dollars worth of uncashed Flooz? Will anybody accept it in exchange for goods or services? Whoopi? Anybody?



The Internets Hate Me

"King Toe" is an actual brand of work boot which you can (probably) purchase on the Internets. I will never know. The Internets Hate Me.



Interoffice emails that raise more questions than they answer

A lady at work (whom I sort-of-know) sent out the following email. She included me on the distro-list for some reason.

Let me preface this by saying that I don't work in one of those hip TV-style freewheeling offices. I work with old people who think that electricity is a fad.

The message:
Subject: Pie
If everyone emails me their favorite type of pie, I will bring in the pie with the highest votes tomorrow.
There is something so unhip-it's-cool about that pie poll*.

In fact its so cool, it makes me kind of suspicious.

I give "Pie" today's honorary Admiral Akbar "It's a Trap!" award.
* Good thing it wasn't a pot pie poll. And that Khmer Rouge despot Pol Pot wasn't involved in the pot pie poll.


"Rusty Bolt Effect" goes on my list of words that don't mean what I think they mean.



The Inedible Moment

The Inedible Moment:
Word Jazz for the Internet Age

"I couldn't believe that scene," she said. "it was a pretty inedible moment."
"What did you say? It was a what moment?"
"inedible moment. I thought it was a really inedible moment."
I had been through this before with her.

Or similar.

I knew better than to try.

But that didn't stop me. "'inedible'? Are you sure that's what you want?"
"Inedible. I'll never forget it."
"Whatever. I guess you're entitled to your uniformed opinion."



Erykah Badu in the news again

Seems like only yesterday when Erykah Badu brought home the Bronze in the Nagano Olympics. What's up with all these figure skaters and their off-rink antics?

What? You say she's a musician, not a skater?

--Never heard of her.


"Monkey" in the band name is always a good thing. Don't you hate those greeting cards with chimps on them? I sure do.

"Quantum Ground State" would certainly be the coolest band ever.... These are the jokes, folks.


I'd like to mention a few things that really disappointed me in elementary school:
  1. The Underground Railroad
  2. The Shot Heard 'Round The World
  3. Little Women
As you can see, the names create unreasonable expectations that can't help but disappoint when you finally learn the material. Think about it from the perspective of an 8 year old. It's blatent false advertising.

Your Band Names for today:





Home Is Not A Valid Toad

This isn't the kind of blog that routinely posts links to other people's content. But I've found a thing. And that thing is my new favorite thing in the New Favorite Thing universe.

And that thing is Autocomplete Me.

Autocomplete Me is a website that collects the most insane Google auto-completes all in one place. What is an auto-complete, you say? Well, raise your hand if something like the following scenario has happened to you:

You type something--something perfectly innocuous, mind you--into Google. Something like "Tricycles". And the search suggestions (the so-called "auto-complete") comes up with something like "Tricycles ate my dog and cleaned out my bank account".

I've often wondered why Google includes a few things on the list that... Well, a few things that would cause Salvador Dali to throw up his hands and say "This is just too weird. This is nothing but random nonsense".

Autocomplete Me collects some of the craziest ones in one place, and allows people to comment on them and make connections, or even submit there own. Chaos ensues.

Here are some examples from the site:

You type:

Google Suggests:

You type:

Google Suggests:

You type:

Google Suggests:

Two things:
1) You can't hope to go to Google and type these examples and get the same results. Auto-complete is based on the zeitgeist of what is being searched for right now, which makes it even MORE baffling and upsetting.
2) Auto-complete is a great hidden resource for song lyrics. Admit it, you've got 3 or 4 lines centered around the phrase "home is not a valid toad" kicking around in your subconscious already.

What more can I say? I'm sure Google could suggest something. Go forth and auto-complete (links to off-site blog).

Google Auto-complete is like a killer app for band names.
How could I ever compete with something as awesome as "My Mouth Is Full of Drop-kicking Astronauts"?
The cool thing is, it seems totally random, but it is not. Somebody is actually searching on that term right now!





Today's Weekly Annual Band Name of the Month

"Elaborate Shiv" is Today's Annual Band Name of the Month for this decade. You always hear about someone getting stabbed with a "crude shiv". Or someone fashioning a "crude shiv" out of a toothbrush.

Why never an elaborate, bejeweled, well-crafted-by-Dutch-artisans shiv?

Of course its a crude shiv, you dopes. If the guy making it was Thomas Edison, he'd have his think-tank whip up a cesium-ion powered particle beam. If the guy was da Vinci or Einstein he wouldn't need the shiv in the first place.

All shivs are crude. Just drop the extra word, okay guys?









A Cummerbund Of Suspense

"Would Willie's fencemending eggs bear fruit? Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust? That night fate wore a cummerbund...of suspense."

They say our generation will finally be in control when Simpson's quotes finally supplant rock & roll lyrics in the breezy sort of newspaper headlines.

I say, what's a newspaper?

The birthday wishes have been pouring in, if by "pouring" I mean a few dozen, which I do. Thanks folks.

"Monad Burrito Factory" is officially the most obscure reference ever attempted on this list. Even if you knew the source, it would still seem insanely idiosyncratic...but compelling!



Dinosaur Fossils Rock

This is a picture of a newly discovered dinosaur. It would totally rip your head off, but it would be awesome!

The name of the dinosaur is Tawana Brawley.

I'm sorry. The name of the dinosaur, if reports are to be believed, is Tawa Hallae, which is Latin for "I'm holding my tongue while I name this dinosaur".

If you go to to this website you can see a huge version of this picture.

I don't know who did the rendering, but there is a caption that says "Jorge Gonzales".

I choose to believe that the name of this dinosaur is Jorge Gonzales.

Say it with me. Jorge ("hoor-hay") Gonzales.

Jorge Gonzales is a much better dinosaur name than Tawa Hallae. Or Tawana Brawley, for that matter. Imagine (with me) the next Jurassic Park, facing off against the deadly Jorge Gonzales:

"Let's get out of here before Jorge Gonzales severs our spines with his razor-sharp teeth and claws!"

"Jorge Gonzales hunts mostly by sight, but he has a special sensory organ in his snout that makes him just as dangerous at night!"

"Lock and load! --This time, Jorge Gonzales is gonna stay extinc...---WAAUGH!!"
See, so life in the 21st century might be fraught with peril, but at least we don't have to worry about being sprayed with toxins from the deadly venom sac...

The deadly venom sac of Jorge Gonzales.


"Permutations of Delay" describes the reverb effect available on the D50 synthesizer in the 1980's. It was dog-simple and a cheap stunt...and we all went ga-ga for it. Today, every dime-store noisemaker has an electronic reverb strapped onto it.

"Wham, Texas" is the fictional town where Max Brand (psued.) placed the action in "Destry Rides Again".

"His Illustrative Hand" From an article about the oddball Michael Caine horror pic "The Hand", where he is a comic book writer who gets his hand lopped off in an accident. Of course it was His Illustrative Hand, or else ya got no drama. And of course that hand seeks supernatural vengeance, or else ya got no horror. Oliver Stone directs, and it's the most sensible picture he ever made.

"Regatta of Death" is from an ape-bat crazy sequence of the ape-bat crazy 1970's Japanese movie "The Last Days of Man on Earth", which came from the Godzilla folks at Toho Pictures. Show them this when someone claims what a brilliant time the '70's were for international cinema.

See, there's a story for every band name, and sometimes the band names are a lot more interesting if I don't tell the stories.

Here's an exception:

"Dimensional Lumber" is simply the industry term for boards pre-cut to standard sizes (like the good old two-by-four).

If you want to "get" somebody with an evil trick question, ask them how many inches thick and wide a 2x4 is. The actual answer is 1/2 inch shorter than the stated dimensions. My bet is 99% of people will get it wrong in one way or another.

For another type of hilarity, take a 2x4 back to a lumber yard or home store, and tell them you got cheated. Hilarity ensues...

Happy new year, folks.

PS I wanted to put a picture here of HomeClub, a national home improvement warehouse chain that later became HomeBase and then folded in 2000 after amassing millions in debt. I wanted to post such a picture, but there isn't one photo of HomeClub (the store) on the net. There are other HomeClubs, but not the (in)famous chain. Let's hear it, former HomeClub employees! Where is you pride? Certainly not on Flikr!



The Butt Set

On this last day of 2009, go back with me to the days of land-line phones (remember those?).

Remember when you would see the phone guy in your neighborhood, and he had that weird phone on his toolbelt (see image)? That was the only cool, different-looking phone you ever actually saw.

I know there were all sorts of other designs, but a typical kid never saw them in the real world. Most phones were the same, and everyone had that same set at their house. Sure, occasionally it was tinted green, but it was the same phone. Eventually, my parents had a baby blue version of the phone in their bedroom. I used this fact to astonish my friends, as they had never seen such a thing. They thought I was making it up.

Of course there were futuristic designer phones in movies and on TV. But except for sci-fi flicks and shows about rich people, the only really different looking phone you ever saw was on the belt of the phone guy.

Well, it turns out that phone is called a "Butt Set". You heard me. "Butt set". I am not making that up.

Butt set.

The pranking practically writes itself. I can imagine a series of conversation between dispatchers and kids pretending to be phone guys: Requests for replacements for unsightly misshapen butt sets, orders for interns to bring left-handed butt sets, or complaints that when the phone guy showed up, his butt set had a visible crack in it.

I could probably easily find out more info to tell you about the butt set, but there is no way I'm going to Google a term like "Butt Set". You're on your own folks.

Happy new year.






A couple days ago* I was talking with my pal Doug Buckley. A guy he knew was bragging about his (the guy's) new silk shirt. But Doug was unimpressed. Because, as Doug said, "silk is like soft, but this was like wool".
* In 1985

"Dirty Santa" is a Chinese auction-style gift exchange. Thanks for the tip, Tina. But I refuse to watch your singing contest TV show.

Best recent album name I did not come up with:
"Fight Like Apes" (the band), have an EP with the title "David Carradine is a Bounty Hunter Whos Robotic Arm Hates Your Crotch".

Interesting spelling of "whos", by the way.



MTV contacted me about using the Band Names as a series of interstitial features. The deal fell through when they found out that bands are musical groups, and there is no music on MTV anymore.

I made that up.

There is no such thing as MTV.


Finagle's Constant is the original of Murpy's Law, as formulated by Astounding editor John W. Campbell. It postulates not only that that anything that can go wrong, will—but that it will happen at the worst possible moment.



Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Happy Pearl Harbor Day. 30 Years ago today I was a little tiny kid standing out in the snowy rain to see "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" on opening night. My life's story is chronicled in the motion picture "Free Enterprise".

RE Pearl Harbor and ST:TMP--No linkage, but you can make up your own metaphors. Frankly the movie blew my little pre-teen mind--in a good way.

Whether it was a successful film or not, it engendered my Jones for big-concept "brain" science fiction--As opposed to "high concept" (e.g. down-market) "blow stuff up" science fiction.

Of course, its easy to see which way the market evolved.

Enjoy your band names, carbon units.
"The Premotels" makes me giggle. I claim none of these names are random, but that one began life as a typo. I was trying to write "promotes"...



"Paradiddle Flam" may sound like a naughty desert item, but I assure you it is a real thing.

"Reverse Bones" is based on the TV show "Castle", whose scenario is a reversed version of the same TV show, "Bones" (the series principles get a sex change, which, if it were literally true, would make a more interesting police procedural than 99% of the cop-doctor shows the networks have been churning out for the last 20 years).

I'm going to write a screenplay called "Reverse Titanic."




RE Extraordinary ray ... see "Birefringence".

Bible Regal isn't what you think it is. It is an intricately decorated book-shaped instrument from the late middle ages that didn't survive much past the the 16th century. The ones I've heard sound pretty reedy. You could equate the sound with an accordion, but much thinner, like 2 detuned square waves beating against each other. I don't think there is a Wikipedia article for "Bible Regal", but I can't be bothered.

Cave of Swallows just sounds wrong, but they assure me it is a thing.



The Contrary Music Awards

What's the deal with county music awards shows? Seems like there are 2 of these a week.
Maybe it's a TV series. Every week they award the endless terabytes of new content churned out by by the diesel smoke-belching, rusty tractor-shaped songwriting machines in Nashville.

Maybe they should have a county music awards show that gives out awards for county music awards shows.

Maybe I should trot out the rest of the old jokes about awards shows.
Well, how about just one more:
[fake southern accent] : "--And now the award...for the best county song...written on a Tuesday..."


See, its a game where you chase the little stop-motion chuckwagon. Just like the dog in the old commercials.

It's for your Atari 2600, and came as a free premium from the fine people at Ralston Purina.

I think it would make a most cromulent band name.

I did not have this game, but I did get "Kool-Aid Man" by saving points from Kool-Aid packets.



Rules for band names

A reader caught up with me to ask what my rules are. Seems he noticed that I operate by "a rather freewheeling set of strictures that nevertheless results in a number of characteristic lists" (not my words).

My first thought (as always) is "where do you people keep getting my email address?"

But I will break my "do not explain" policy one more time for this:



I saw a (mocked-up) Weekly World News on a recent episode of Supernatural. Made me miss the genuine article, which I never bought, but was glad existed. Today's "Pint of Milk" was inspired by a British paper in the style of the Weekly World News, which is somehow still being published.

BTW, I am not an automatic fan of Henry Darger. I'm sorry for his hard luck life, but I don't automatically give artists free passes for all sorts of quantum weirdness.

After all, we're all artists here, right? If everybody is a special case--a freaky talent, kid-glove savant who is special and extraordinary, then nobody is special and extraordinary. Man-up and face Reality.

--"Reality", being defined as the thing that continues to exist whether you believe in it or not.



The very elderly Al Hunt is back with his patented list of high-larious band names.

I had to help out this year because Al's middle aged grandson Jeffy is in rehab for prawn addiction.

I am not trying to be cagey. Little Jeffy is addicted to jumbo shrimp.

We now present this year's "Famous Monsters of Filmland"-Style band name list:
I am properly horrified that this is the historic 5th annual Band Name Spec-tac-Ghoul-ar. Feel free to per-ooze the previous entries:

2008 (Summary: Features the horrifying visage of Eleanor Roosevelt)
2007 (Summary: Al makes racist comments, gets edited)
2006 (Summary: Little Jeffy begins to be a liability)
2005 (Summary: Al asks for an exorbitant fee. We offer $5. He takes it.)


Is "Bipolar Cheerleader" based on an actual cheerleader? Yes it is.

Will I spill all the details? Only if you really bug me about it.


"Super Pregnant" ties back to one of my favorite band names from the old days, "Extra Virgin". They are two extremes of something that is already an absolute.


"Internet Vasectomy Club" was coined by my brother back in '97 in reference to the Heavens Gate Suicide cult, based on their website-development business and staunch anti-testicle policy.

I have developed hundred of websites for corporate clients and can affirm that a number of companies would probably prefer similar requirements from their web guy.

Sorry, baby. You're messing with the wrong webmaster.


Your Band Name for Today is:

* Retroactive Hatred

"Retroactive Hatred" is a contribution from my buddy Paxton who is living up in D.C. these days. I hope there is no personal message intended. Most guys send you email that just says "Retroactive Hatred", you have to assume some kind of vendetta has started.

Not saying I haven't given him good reasons...





Deadly Tin Whiskers are here, and they have already KILLED!
50's sci-fi hyperbole? Nope. In the headlong rush to make everything lead-free, inferior substitutes are causing deadly danger in the aviation industry. Just thought you might need something else to worry about.

Re Odd-Toed Ungulates:
Confessions of the obscure: Here's another crazy tangent from my c.v. - I have spent more time around tapirs (whatever that is) than is really necessary, specifically Bards Tapir. They are interesting critters (and keen judges of character).
Bonus Unsolicited Opinion: --In my estimation tapirs are smarter than horses.

That, and 99 cents will buy you a new instant coffee at Starbucks.


Kyle contributed the Underwater Photo Society. He found the name on an envelope when he was going through some stuff. I am violating RULE NUMBER 1 by allowing a band name from Kyle (he claims I never use his names).

I've done some research on the addresses on the envelope, and it would take a novel of Da Vinci Code proportions to explain why he found it where it was. Let's just say that time machines probably do exist, and Grey Aliens are stockpiling plasma for the coming Aquarian transformation.

Or not.

Anyway, here's the envelope:









Vocal Fry Contest:

(*Shop with confidence. I have no financial interest in Sleeve City.)

A few words about the Vocal Fry Contest:
I would surely win in any vocal fry contest. My problem is that I laugh. If I could learn not to laugh, I would win any vocal fry contest. Vocal fry contest.

Have I said "vocal fry contest" enough for your taste yet? If so, then it is today's candidate for semantic satiation.

Vocal fry contest.

See how I just assumed you knew what the fry register is? I know that you're smart like that.

In the near future I'll do some humor based on male whistle tones.







Paco Hernandez

Hello. I am strongly considering changing my name to "Paco Hernandez". I have the feeling that I could get away with anything if my name was "Paco Hernandez".

"Paco Hernandez" just comes with its own cache of cool. If my name were Paco Hernandez, I would constantly refer to myself in the third person.

Someone could tell me to do some boneheaded thing and I would just say "Hey Baby, Paco Hernandez doesn't roll that way." It would be awesome.

Anything I say becomes an instant catchphrase when I follow it with "Or my name isn't Paco Hernandez!" E.g. "Rap, Rock and Pop have become increasingly moribund...--or my name isn't Paco Hernandez!"

I would intentionally mispronounce words to work my name into them. Take (for example) Johann Pachelbel's Canon in D. --I’d call it “Paco-bell’s Cannon” instead.

And I’d refer to French geopolitical districts as “Hernandez-ments” instead of Arrondissements (you’d be surprised how often that comes up).

In my honor the Unix text editor PICO would be renamed “Paco” (you’d be surprised how often that comes up).

Finally, I would be able to claim that my name was an anagram for “Crap Hazed Neon” or “A Pranced Zen Ho”, OR “Nacho Raped Zen”.

Also, I could evade my many, many creditors.

If my name were Paco Hernandez, I would work every day to make the world a hipper, more laid-back place, because life can be harsh. And Paco Hernandez doesn't roll that way.

Paco Hernandez. If I were Paco Hernandez, even my middle name would be Paco Hernandez.

And that's a promise--from Paco Hernandez.


On second thought, "Post Nasal Drips" might also be a good name for a breakfast cereal.

--I somehow envision the logo/ad campaign easily in my mind...

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