2010-01-06

 

Dinosaur Fossils Rock

This is a picture of a newly discovered dinosaur. It would totally rip your head off, but it would be awesome!

The name of the dinosaur is Tawana Brawley.

I'm sorry. The name of the dinosaur, if reports are to be believed, is Tawa Hallae, which is Latin for "I'm holding my tongue while I name this dinosaur".

If you go to to this website you can see a huge version of this picture.

I don't know who did the rendering, but there is a caption that says "Jorge Gonzales".

I choose to believe that the name of this dinosaur is Jorge Gonzales.

Say it with me. Jorge ("hoor-hay") Gonzales.

Jorge Gonzales is a much better dinosaur name than Tawa Hallae. Imagine (with me) the next Jurassic Park, facing off against the deadly Jorge Gonzales:


"Let's get out of here before Jorge Gonzales severs our spines with his razor-sharp teeth and claws!"

"Jorge Gonzales hunts mostly by sight, but he has a special sensory organ in his snout that makes him just as dangerous at night!"

"Lock and load! --This time, Jorge Gonzales is gonna stay extinc...---WAAUGH!!"
See, so life in the 21st century might be fraught with peril, but at least we don't have to worry about being sprayed with toxins from the deadly venom sac...

The deadly venom sac of Jorge Gonzales.

# posted by Mark @ 6:57 AM 0 comments

2010-01-05

 
"Permutations of Delay" describes the reverb effect available on the D50 synthesizer in the 1980's. It was dog-simple and a cheap stunt...and we all went ga-ga for it. Today, every dime-store noisemaker has an electronic reverb strapped onto it.

"Wham, Texas" is the fictional town where Max Brand (psued.) placed the action in "Destry Rides Again".

"His Illustrative Hand" From an article about the oddball Michael Caine horror pic "The Hand", where he is a comic book writer who gets his hand lopped off in an accident. Of course it was His Illustrative Hand, or else ya got no drama. And of course that hand seeks supernatural vengeance, or else ya got no horror. Oliver Stone directs, and it's the most sensible picture he ever made.

"Regatta of Death" is from an ape-bat crazy sequence of the ape-bat crazy 1970's Japanese movie "The Last Days of Man on Earth", which came from the Godzilla folks at Toho Pictures. Show them this when someone claims what a brilliant time the '70's were for international cinema.

See, there's a story for every band name, and sometimes the band names are a lot more interesting if I don't tell the stories.

Here's an exception:

"Dimensional Lumber" is simply the industry term for boards pre-cut to standard sizes (like the good old two-by-four).

If you want to "get" somebody with an evil trick question, ask them how many inches thick and wide a 2x4 is. The actual answer is 1/2 inch shorter than the stated dimensions. My bet is 99% of people will get it wrong in one way or another.

For another type of hilarity, take a 2x4 back to a lumber yard or home store, and tell them you got cheated. Hilarity ensues...

Happy new year, folks.

PS I wanted to put a picture here of HomeClub, a national home improvement warehouse chain that later became HomeBase and then folded in 2000 after amassing millions in debt. I wanted to post such a picture, but there isn't one photo of HomeClub (the store) on the net. There are other HomeClubs, but not the (in)famous chain. Let's hear it, former HomeClub employees! Where is you pride? Certainly not on Flikr!

# posted by Mark @ 6:25 PM 0 comments

2009-12-31

 

The Butt Set

On this last day of 2009, go back with me to the days of land-line phones (remember those?).

Remember when you would see the phone guy in your neighborhood, and he had that weird phone on his toolbelt (see image)? That was the only cool, different-looking phone you ever actually saw.

I know there were all sorts of other designs, but a typical kid never saw them in the real world. Most phones were the same, and everyone had that same set at their house. Sure, occasionally it was tinted green, but it was the same phone. Eventually, my parents had a baby blue version of the phone in their bedroom. I used this fact to astonish my friends, as they had never seen such a thing. They thought I was making it up.


Of course there were futuristic designer phones in movies and on TV. But except for sci-fi flicks and shows about rich people, the only really different looking phone you ever saw was on the belt of the phone guy.

Well, it turns out that phone is called a "Butt Set". You heard me. "Butt set". I am not making that up.

Butt set.

The pranking practically writes itself. I can imagine a series of conversation between dispatchers and kids pretending to be phone guys: Requests for replacements for unsightly misshapen butt sets, orders for interns to bring left-handed butt sets, or complaints that when the phone guy showed up, his butt set had a visible crack in it.

I could probably easily find out more info to tell you about the butt set, but there is no way I'm going to Google a term like "Butt Set". You're on your own folks.

Happy new year.

# posted by Mark @ 3:52 PM 0 comments

2009-12-24

 

# posted by Mark @ 7:40 AM 2 comments

2009-12-22

 

# posted by Mark @ 3:55 PM 2 comments

2009-12-17

 
A couple days ago* I was talking with my pal Doug Buckley. A guy he knew was bragging about his (the guy's) new silk shirt. But Doug was unimpressed. Because, as Doug said, "silk is like soft, but this was like wool".
* In 1985

"Dirty Santa" is a Chinese auction-style gift exchange. Thanks for the tip, Tina. But I refuse to watch your singing contest TV show.

Best recent album name I did not come up with:
"Fight Like Apes" (the band), have an EP with the title "David Carradine is a Bounty Hunter Whos Robotic Arm Hates Your Crotch".

Interesting spelling of "whos", by the way.

# posted by Mark @ 12:03 PM 2 comments

2009-12-10

 

MTV contacted me about using the Band Names as a series of interstitial features. The deal fell through when they found out that bands are musical groups, and there is no music on MTV anymore.

I made that up.

There is no such thing as MTV.

# posted by Mark @ 6:47 AM 0 comments

2009-12-09

 
Finagle's Constant is the original of Murpy's Law, as formulated by Astounding editor John W. Campbell. It postulates not only that that anything that can go wrong, will—but that it will happen at the worst possible moment.

# posted by Mark @ 7:05 AM 0 comments

2009-12-07

 

Star Trek: The Motion Picture


Happy Pearl Harbor Day. 30 Years ago today I was a little tiny kid standing out in the snowy rain to see "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" on opening night. My life's story is chronicled in the motion picture "Free Enterprise".

RE Pearl Harbor and ST:TMP--No linkage, but you can make up your own metaphors. Frankly the movie blew my little pre-teen mind--in a good way.

Whether it was a successful film or not, it engendered my Jones for big-concept "brain" science fiction--As opposed to "high concept" (e.g. down-market) "blow stuff up" science fiction.

Of course, its easy to see which way the market evolved.

Enjoy your band names, carbon units.
"The Premotels" makes me giggle. I claim none of these names are random, but that one began life as a typo. I was trying to write "promotes"...

# posted by Mark @ 7:39 AM 2 comments

2009-12-01

 

"Paradiddle Flam" may sound like a naughty desert item, but I assure you it is a real thing.

"Reverse Bones" is based on the TV show "Castle", whose scenario is a reversed version of the same TV show, "Bones" (the series principles get a sex change, which, if it were literally true, would make a more interesting police procedural than 99% of the cop-doctor shows the networks have been churning out for the last 20 years).

I'm going to write a screenplay called "Reverse Titanic."

# posted by Mark @ 6:14 PM 0 comments

2009-11-22

 

# posted by Mark @ 11:11 AM 2 comments

2009-11-17

 
RE Extraordinary ray ... see "Birefringence".

Bible Regal isn't what you think it is. It is an intricately decorated book-shaped instrument from the late middle ages that didn't survive much past the the 16th century. The ones I've heard sound pretty reedy. You could equate the sound with an accordion, but much thinner, like 2 detuned square waves beating against each other. I don't think there is a Wikipedia article for "Bible Regal", but I can't be bothered.

Cave of Swallows just sounds wrong, but they assure me it is a thing.

# posted by Mark @ 6:15 AM 2 comments

2009-11-12

 

The Contrary Music Awards

What's the deal with county music awards shows? Seems like there are 2 of these a week.
Maybe it's a TV series. Every week they award the endless terabytes of new content churned out by by the diesel smoke-belching, rusty tractor-shaped songwriting machines in Nashville.

Maybe they should have a county music awards show that gives out awards for county music awards shows.

Maybe I should trot out the rest of the old jokes about awards shows.
Well, how about just one more:
[fake southern accent] : "--And now the award...for the best county song...written on a Tuesday..."

# posted by Mark @ 6:24 AM 0 comments

2009-11-10

 
See, its a game where you chase the little stop-motion chuckwagon. Just like the dog in the old commercials.

It's for your Atari 2600, and came as a free premium from the fine people at Ralston Purina.

I think it would make a most cromulent band name.

I did not have this game, but I did get "Kool-Aid Man" by saving points from Kool-Aid packets.

# posted by Mark @ 6:41 AM 2 comments

2009-11-09

 

Rules for band names

A reader caught up with me to ask what my rules are. Seems he noticed that I operate by "a rather freewheeling set of strictures that nevertheless results in a number of characteristic lists" (not my words).

My first thought (as always) is "where do you people keep getting my email address?"

But I will break my "do not explain" policy one more time for this:


# posted by Mark @ 4:30 PM 0 comments

2009-11-04

 




I saw a (mocked-up) Weekly World News on a recent episode of Supernatural. Made me miss the genuine article, which I never bought, but was glad existed. Today's "Pint of Milk" was inspired by a British paper in the style of the Weekly World News, which is somehow still being published.

BTW, I am not an automatic fan of Henry Darger. I'm sorry for his hard luck life, but I don't automatically give artists free passes for all sorts of quantum weirdness.

After all, we're all artists here, right? If everybody is a special case--a freaky talent, kid-glove savant who is special and extraordinary, then nobody is special and extraordinary. Man-up and face Reality.

--"Reality", being defined as the thing that continues to exist whether you believe in it or not.

# posted by Mark @ 6:00 PM 2 comments

2009-10-31

 


The very elderly Al Hunt is back with his patented list of high-larious band names.

I had to help out this year because Al's middle aged grandson Jeffy is in rehab for prawn addiction.

I am not trying to be cagey. Little Jeffy is addicted to jumbo shrimp.

We now present this year's "Famous Monsters of Filmland"-Style band name list:
I am properly horrified that this is the historic 5th annual Band Name Spec-tac-Ghoul-ar. Feel free to per-ooze the previous entries:

2008 (Summary: Features the horrifying visage of Eleanor Roosevelt)
2007 (Summary: Al makes racist comments, gets edited)
2006 (Summary: Little Jeffy begins to be a liability)
2005 (Summary: Al asks for an exorbitant fee. We offer $5. He takes it.)

# posted by Mark @ 12:00 AM 0 comments

2009-10-22

 
Is "Bipolar Cheerleader" based on an actual cheerleader? Yes it is.

Will I spill all the details? Only if you really bug me about it.

# posted by Mark @ 1:00 PM 2 comments

2009-10-17

 
"Super Pregnant" ties back to one of my favorite band names from the old days, "Extra Virgin". They are two extremes of something that is already an absolute.

# posted by Mark @ 3:55 PM 0 comments

2009-10-12

 
"Internet Vasectomy Club" was coined by my brother back in '97 in reference to the Heavens Gate Suicide cult, based on their website-development business and staunch anti-testicle policy.

I have developed hundred of websites for corporate clients and can affirm that a number of companies would probably prefer similar requirements from their web guy.

Sorry, baby. You're messing with the wrong webmaster.

# posted by Mark @ 7:34 AM 0 comments

2009-10-10

 
Your Band Name for Today is:

* Retroactive Hatred

"Retroactive Hatred" is a contribution from my buddy Paxton who is living up in D.C. these days. I hope there is no personal message intended. Most guys send you email that just says "Retroactive Hatred", you have to assume some kind of vendetta has started.

Not saying I haven't given him good reasons...

# posted by Mark @ 1:12 AM 0 comments

2009-10-08

 

# posted by Mark @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

2009-10-07

 
or


Deadly Tin Whiskers are here, and they have already KILLED!
50's sci-fi hyperbole? Nope. In the headlong rush to make everything lead-free, inferior substitutes are causing deadly danger in the aviation industry. Just thought you might need something else to worry about.


Re Odd-Toed Ungulates:
Confessions of the obscure: Here's another crazy tangent from my c.v. - I have spent more time around tapirs (whatever that is) than is really necessary, specifically Bards Tapir. They are interesting critters (and keen judges of character).
Bonus Unsolicited Opinion: --In my estimation tapirs are smarter than horses.

That, and 99 cents will buy you a new instant coffee at Starbucks.

# posted by Mark @ 6:45 PM 0 comments

2009-09-30

 
Kyle contributed the Underwater Photo Society. He found the name on an envelope when he was going through some stuff. I am violating RULE NUMBER 1 by allowing a band name from Kyle (he claims I never use his names).

I've done some research on the addresses on the envelope, and it would take a novel of Da Vinci Code proportions to explain why he found it where it was. Let's just say that time machines probably do exist, and Grey Aliens are stockpiling plasma for the coming Aquarian transformation.

Or not.

Anyway, here's the envelope:


# posted by Mark @ 8:37 AM 0 comments

2009-09-27

 

# posted by Mark @ 12:18 PM 0 comments

2009-09-22

 

# posted by Mark @ 7:14 PM 0 comments

2009-09-18

 

# posted by Mark @ 4:42 PM 0 comments

2009-09-16

 

Vocal Fry Contest:

(*Shop with confidence. I have no financial interest in Sleeve City.)

A few words about the Vocal Fry Contest:
I would surely win in any vocal fry contest. My problem is that I laugh. If I could learn not to laugh, I would win any vocal fry contest. Vocal fry contest.

Have I said "vocal fry contest" enough for your taste yet? If so, then it is today's candidate for semantic satiation.

Vocal fry contest.

BTW:
See how I just assumed you knew what the fry register is? I know that you're smart like that.

In the near future I'll do some humor based on male whistle tones.

# posted by Mark @ 6:43 PM 0 comments

2009-09-10

 

# posted by Mark @ 9:38 PM 0 comments

2009-09-07

 

# posted by Mark @ 2:02 PM 0 comments

2009-09-05

 

Paco Hernandez

Hello. I am strongly considering changing my name to "Paco Hernandez". I have the feeling that I could get away with anything if my name was "Paco Hernandez".

"Paco Hernandez" just comes with its own cache of cool. If my name were Paco Hernandez, I would constantly refer to myself in the third person.

Someone could tell me to do some boneheaded thing and I would just say "Hey Baby, Paco Hernandez doesn't roll that way." It would be awesome.

Anything I say becomes an instant catchphrase when I follow it with "Or my name isn't Paco Hernandez!" E.g. "Rap, Rock and Pop have become increasingly moribund...--or my name isn't Paco Hernandez!"

I would intentionally mispronounce words to work my name into them. Take (for example) Johann Pachelbel's Canon in D. --I’d call it “Paco-bell’s Cannon” instead.

And I’d refer to French geopolitical districts as “Hernandez-ments” instead of Arrondissements (you’d be surprised how often that comes up).

In my honor the Unix text editor PICO would be renamed “Paco” (you’d be surprised how often that comes up).

Finally, I would be able to claim that my name was an anagram for “Crap Hazed Neon” or “A Pranced Zen Ho”, OR “Nacho Raped Zen”.

Also, I could evade my many, many creditors.

If my name were Paco Hernandez, I would work every day to make the world a hipper, more laid-back place, because life can be harsh. And Paco Hernandez doesn't roll that way.

Paco Hernandez. If I were Paco Hernandez, even my middle name would be Paco Hernandez.

And that's a promise--from Paco Hernandez.


# posted by Mark @ 8:12 AM 0 comments

2009-09-02

 
On second thought, "Post Nasal Drips" might also be a good name for a breakfast cereal.

--I somehow envision the logo/ad campaign easily in my mind...

# posted by Mark @ 6:53 PM 0 comments

2009-08-28

 

# posted by Mark @ 12:57 PM 0 comments

2009-08-24

 
*"Bhut Jolokia" is a strain of Indian hot peppers, which I learned about in the real news item "Report: India Weaponizing Hot Chili Peppers".

Why would I make something like that up?

# posted by Mark @ 6:58 AM 0 comments

2009-08-15

 
* From an article about Evel Knievel.

# posted by Mark @ 11:35 AM 0 comments

2009-08-11

 

# posted by Mark @ 7:12 AM 0 comments

2009-08-07

 
"Jimi Poos on the Pod" actually means something, but it's pretty esoteric. Don't say I didn't warn you...

A friend asked me to do a mockup album cover for the recent post "The White Albumen". I'll try to get that up here shortly.

# posted by Mark @ 5:14 AM 0 comments

2009-08-05

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:58 AM 0 comments

2009-07-30

 

# posted by Mark @ 1:10 PM 0 comments

2009-07-25

 

# posted by Mark @ 5:34 PM 2 comments

2009-07-21

 
I'm involved with a very real property called "the cone of confusion" in my current work with head-related transfer functions (HRTF). I imagine that "head-related transfer function" sounds pretty funny by itself, but I'm too close to it to make it a band name.

My typical joke tag would probably be "head-related transfer functions" got me expelled from Carnegie Mellon. Sorry. You can make up your own jokes.

# posted by Mark @ 7:38 AM 0 comments

2009-07-20

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:25 AM 0 comments

2009-07-14

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:05 AM 0 comments

2009-07-11

 
I refuse to accept "Satisficing" (a portmanteau of "satisfy" and "suffice") as a word.

# posted by Mark @ 11:56 AM 2 comments

2009-07-09

 
"The Kozai Mechanism" goes on my list of things that don't mean what I think they mean.

# posted by Mark @ 6:24 AM 0 comments

2009-07-03

 
Confession: The last two items were part of a single sentence from a doctoral thesis. Admittedly it was written by two ESL students. Shame on me.

# posted by Mark @ 12:48 AM 3 comments

2009-07-01

 

Back in the New York Groove

I'm back from my month-long June exile. I bring you bully boffo and bonhomie anecdotes from the wilds of Colorado. But first, some fake band names:
Sorry about two band names with the word "island" in them today. I'm a little rusty.

BTW, your vocabulary word for today is "Enervating".

# posted by Mark @ 6:11 PM 2 comments

2009-06-11

 

Vacation

I'm not gone folks, I'm on vacation for most of this month to a place where internet access means tapping out the ones and zeros on a telegraph key. I'll be back soon.

Here's a band name to tide you over:
There's a story behind that one. Remind me to tell you sometime.

# posted by Mark @ 12:44 AM 0 comments

2009-05-27

 
Real news story:

Cameroon: Teacher Steals Student's Mobile Phone
"How can one imagine a mathematics teacher stealing her student's phone ? It is reported that, the teacher while lecturing saw one of her students with an attractive multimedia phone A few minutes after, she asked all the students to go out for two minutes because they looked weary. When they returned, the student could not find his phone .He immediately reported the matter to the teacher who refused to pay any attention. As the lectures went on, the class prefect decided to call the student's phone using his. To the surprise of the entire class, the phone started ringing inside Madam's miniskirt. Gripped by shame, the Madam rapidly rushed out of the class to the school toilet When she returned, she told the Principal that she went to the toilet because she had running stomach and that she knew nothing about the phone Since then, the teacher has been nicked name "Madam Running Stomach."

# posted by Mark @ 5:26 PM 2 comments

2009-05-16

 

I guess a "Reverse Scooby-Doo Dynamic" would be when every unexplained phenomenon actually turns out to be real ghosts.

"The Bode Plot" would be a great name for a high-frequency thriller. Like the Heimlich Maneuver, it's one of those terms that sound pretty ominous if you're unfamiliar with it, and it's true meaning is entirely different than what you would expect.

# posted by Mark @ 1:28 PM 0 comments

2009-05-12

 


* "Scythe Chariot" is my nomination for Pretentious Metal Band Of The Month. You could put umlauts all over that name!

# posted by Mark @ 6:46 AM 0 comments

2009-05-08

 
"Mercaptans" goes on my list of words that don't mean what I think they mean.

# posted by Mark @ 4:49 PM 0 comments

2009-04-21

 
"One-Woman Crime Spree" is a song by Weird Paul Petroskey, the guy who sings "Don't Break My Atari".

"Lord Haw Haw" was the Tokyo Rose-like Nazi broadcaster who bedeviled UK radio listeners during World War II.
Have I mentioned the rules lately?

None of these band names are generated via some sort of "random computer name generator". They all have some degree of timeliness or dada-ism value that qualifies them for the list.

Even though I was reading some of the old ones and thinking "Man, is that obscure." Even I will forget the source of some of these in a few years.

Anyway, enjoy them in good health.


--Mark

# posted by Mark @ 6:58 AM 0 comments

2009-04-15

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:46 AM 0 comments

2009-04-11

 

C'mon. Give it up for "Noise Candy".

# posted by Mark @ 9:10 PM 0 comments

2009-04-07

 

I was a Teenage Raconteur

I have a photo to upload but I've mislaid it.

I'll get it to you shortly, along with a rather amusing anecdote (the author charmingly chuckles to himself as winsome, Michael Landon-like wrinkles appear at the corners of his eyes).

Here are your band names:

# posted by Mark @ 6:01 AM 0 comments

2009-04-03

 

Ron Howard Hoodwinked by Fonzie Scheme

"Brand Manager Soper" came from an online "review" which was obviously a slightly re-worked press release. Every time the journalist made a slightly critical call, a notice was inserted by "Brand Manager Soper", either correcting him or revising one of her (Soper's) earlier statements.

One of these days I will do a special Band Name Blog entry and invite Brand Manager Soper to have some input. It should be entertaining.
Brand Manager Soper would like to categorically gainsay the previous statement. All of our products and staff members are both meeting and exceeding requirements spectacularly. Any allegations to the contrary are simultaneously damaging and libelous.

# posted by Mark @ 6:50 AM 0 comments

2009-04-01

 

Google's April Fools Joke

Google's April Fools joke this year is better than the IP-enabled toilet one from a few years back.

It may not be your cup of tea, but it worked for me. Check it out.

# posted by Mark @ 9:11 AM 0 comments

2009-03-31

 

Your Fake Band Names for Today:

Did you guys hear about that Shamwow guy? That's some pretty messed up stuff. Kinda makes you wonder how absorbent they really are.

# posted by Mark @ 5:59 AM 0 comments

2009-03-27

 
Repetitiveness is my job.
Its my job to be repetitive.

--Department of Redundancy Department


Here are your band names:

# posted by Mark @ 5:21 AM 0 comments

2009-03-24

 

A Siffy Original

Siffy: Imagine Grammar


You've heard by now that the erstwhile SciFi channel has changed its name to "Siffy" to further distance themselves from geeks.

It may be news to Siffy that their hated geek demographic would probably be watching their channel right now if it actually offered "science fiction", instead of featuring pro-wrestling, fake ghost catcher "reality" shows (which are so cheap you could quite literally make beter ones at home), or TV movies which seem to feature starring roles for poorly rendered CGI (E.g. "MAN-atee". I made that one up...I think).

However, there is no truth to the rumor that the SciFi channel news blog--formerly called "Sci Fi Wire"--is changing its name to "Siffylist".

# posted by Mark @ 5:56 PM 0 comments

2009-03-20

 

I wish my lawn was Emo

Good morning folks.

I wish my lawn was Emo. That way, it would cut itself...

Here are your band names.
Bonus weekend band name:
Mix-n'-match today's' band names for hilarious fun.

# posted by Mark @ 6:29 AM 0 comments

2009-03-18

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:43 AM 0 comments

2009-03-11

 

The Revenge of Blood Feather

Your band Names for today:
"Blood Feather" is my Band Name Of The Month nominee. It goes on the list of terms that don't mean what I think they mean.

I like it a lot because it works in a lot of contexts:

James Bond villain:
Bond: Untie me Bloodfeather, or I'll escape and destroy your mountaintop lair.

Bloodfeather: The bird's in the other hand this time, Mister Bond.*

Superhero nemesis:
Blood Feather (monologging): When I press this button, witness the molting of mankind!

Hero (suddenly breaks into frame): Time to put you back in your cage!

Blood Feather (escaping): This bird's gonna fly!

1970's Spinal Tap-style glam rock super group
Bloodfeather Lead Singer (descending to stage in giant crane-mounted golden birdcage): Hello Cleveland! We are Bloodfeather! Are you ready to rock?

I like how, even if you don't know anything about wardrobe or costume design, you can easily imagine the outfits each of the Bloodfinger's in the preceding scenarios would have worn. I bet you can picture them in your mind right now.


* If you think that James Bond line is bad, the original exchange I wrote featured a play on "two in the bush". --The horror!

BTW, you can re-write the theme to "Goldfinger" with the words "Blood Feather" instead.
If you can't easily think of 7 or 8 verses off the top of your head, you just aren't working at it. Give it a try now: "--Blo-oo-od FEATHER!"

# posted by Mark @ 6:33 AM 0 comments

2009-03-07

 

The Only Band Name in Town

That is all. For some reason I think "Plastic Booster Seat" would be an awesome band. I don't care what kind of music they play. Nobody could legitimately hate "Plastic Booster Seat".

I would totally go see a band called "Plastic Booster Seat". I might even pay that Ticketmaster fee instead of getting the sound guy to let me in.

# posted by Mark @ 2:37 PM 0 comments

2009-03-05

 
A Divine Monochord can also be called a "mundane monochord". They're the same thing. Doesn't make sense, does it?

# posted by Mark @ 6:32 AM 2 comments

2009-03-03

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:53 AM 0 comments

2009-02-25

 

# posted by Mark @ 6:20 AM 0 comments

2009-02-23

 

Ignoratio Elenchi

A few days ago Bones added a word to my LIST OF WORDS THAT DON'T MEAN WHAT I THINK THEY MEAN:
Do your own Google work if you're not familiar with the guy. While we're still knee-deep in classical references, here is another term that you'll probably have to read twice:
While we're still skinny dipping in this same aqua virgo, here is a term that would make a great character name in an allegory:
Unlike the other items, I linked this to an external definition. It's not the kind of thing you're likely to come across more than twice in your life, no matter how well-read you consider yourself. I am speaking of the term itself. Unfortunately the specious logic it describes is as common as reality television.

# posted by Mark @ 7:32 AM 1 comments

2009-02-20

 

Diagnose the Irony

Anyone who has been through a college psychiatry class will be familiar with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

If you're like me, some of the first PC oversensitivity I ever remember was expressed by psychiatrists on TV talk shows. The behavior (which I am briefly withholding for comedic effect) would typically occur when a non-psychiatrist would make a casual reference to someone's mental state. It was so predictable it became a sitcom stereotype.

The sense of proprietary outrage from certain doctors (not the industry as a whole) always seemed a little trumped-up. So I'm sure this next little clip will amuse you:
"Robert Spitzer, the head of the DSM-III task force, has publicly criticized the American Psychiatric Association for mandating that DSM-V task force members sign a nondisclosure agreement, effectively conducting the whole process in secret: 'When I first heard about this agreement, I just went bonkers.'"

# posted by Mark @ 6:58 AM 0 comments

2009-02-19

 
My doctor took a cell call while I was in the exam room with her. I overheard her tell someone "She's a BAD asthmatic!"

I thought she was going to say something else.

# posted by Mark @ 6:55 AM 0 comments

2009-02-14

 
You know what word goes on my list of words that don't mean what I think they mean?
Angina.

Here are your band names for today:

# posted by Mark @ 11:08 AM 4 comments

2009-02-09

 

Half Astrophysics Jokes

Today's band names:
You know, when I first heard about dark energy, I found the concept repulsive.

These are the jokes, folks.

# posted by Mark @ 6:15 AM 0 comments

2009-02-07

 
"Toutatis" goes on my list of words that don't mean what I think they mean.

# posted by Mark @ 11:10 AM 0 comments

2009-01-29

 
"Service Dog Epiphany" is from a Wikipedia section on U.S. dog trainer Bonnie Bergin.

"Mystery Shoes" was on a memo on the wall of a McDonalds (inside the drive-thru). I think it was supposed to say "Mystery Shops", which are undercover quality officials who pose as customers.

Real News Headline: "Peanut Butter Recall Affecting Orange County Jail."


# posted by Mark @ 8:20 PM 0 comments

2009-01-23

 

Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu

Monster Moonshine is probably not what you think it is. Memorize the formal versions. You will be required to integrate them in future blog posts.

"Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu" is kind of a weird story:

Variety (the entertainment trade newspaper) ran an advertisement on page two every day for almost four years.

It was a small box with a black-and-white headshot of character actor Zack Norman with the caption "Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu".

To the best of my Google abilities, the film "Chief Zabu" never picked up a distributor, and no one but the makers has ever really seen it. Zack Norman has continued working steadily in Hollywood.

But to my satisfaction, no one has yet explained to anyone;
  1. What was the purpose of this ad?
  2. Why did it run for so long?
  3. Who could afford to continuously place it so prominently in this major magazine?
  4. Why did it feature that particular combination of obscure film and obscure actor?
Zack Norman, I know you're out there! Please write when you get time off from playing Kaz in "Queen of the Lot"!

# posted by Mark @ 6:58 AM 0 comments

2009-01-22

 
This isn't the kind of blog that usually embeds other people's videos, but I've got a personal connection with this one.

My mom is friends with Joe Cocker's wife. She says she's very nice.

Anyway, if you think you have trouble understanding the 60's, here is some help:

Captioning Joe Cocker

Click the link and enjoy it while its still around.

# posted by Mark @ 7:36 AM 0 comments

2009-01-21

 

Beyond the Blue Particle Horizon


Can someone explain Per Hop Behavior to me? The professional definition is useless:
"a description of the externally observable forwarding treatment applied at a differentiated services-compliant node to a behavior aggregate."
Oh, really?

# posted by Mark @ 6:06 AM 0 comments

2009-01-13

 

What if your favorite bands were cereals?

The observation in my previous post about the band Kix and the cereal Kix got me thinking...

KixKix ... KixKix


Some bands love to get out there and just really shred guitar.

But some cereals out there are really just shredded wheat.

With apologies to Barbara Walters, if your favorite musicians were cereals, what cereals would they be? And by "favorite", I mean "Ones I made up jokes for".

I think it would go something...like...this:
Corn FlakesCorn Flakes ... KornKorn
Lucky CharmsLucky Charms ... Culture ClubCulture Club
Wheaties Wheaties ... WheatusWheatus
Honey Bunches of OatsHoney Bunches of Oats ... Hall & OatesHall & Oates
Kashi Kashi ... PhishPhish
Golden GrahamsGolden Grahams ... The Rolling Stones The Rolling Stones
Grape NutsGrape Nuts ... Moby Grape

(You saw that one coming, didn't you?)		Moby Grape
Sugar SmacksSugar Smacks ... Whitney Houston

(Was that too cruel? If you prefer puns
instead, how about this next one:)		Whitney Houston
Sugar SmacksSugar Smacks ... Godsmack

(And in Korn-clusion,)		Godsmack
FrankenBerry FrankenBerry ... Barry WhiteBarry White
Cookie CrispCookie Crisp ... OzzyOzzy Ozbourne
Trix Trix ... George MichaelsGeorge Michaels

That's what passes for comedy around here. Goodnight, folks.

# posted by Mark @ 7:18 AM 3 comments

2009-01-08

 

The King of Rock & Roll

It's my birthday folks. Me and Elvis. Both born today.

I always try to celebrate for both of us by shooting out a television set.

Not my own set, of course. Lucky for me, I'm usually at a friend's house when I do this.

UNlucky for me, I'm running out of friends. Let's just say that it's very hard to get someone to throw me a party after the second or third indecent.

Oh well. Viva Las Vegas--or is that Viva Viagra? At my age, the two are much less distinct than you might surmise.

Happy Birthday, everybody.

# posted by Mark @ 7:16 AM 0 comments

2009-01-07

 

The one about tray tables

Here are your fake band names for the first week of January:
* A "show couch" is furniture that your mom doesn't allow anyone to actually use. Not to be confused with a "slow coach", which I'd be surprised if it wasn't already a band name somewhere.
"Hello Cleveland! We are Slowcoach! Are you ready to rock?"
I've been everywhere in the past month. Much of it with sporadic Internet access. Busy, busy. In fact, its one of the reasons I blog instead of keeping a diary (aside form the fact that diaries are for sissies).

The two real reasons I don't keep a diary:
  1. Half of the time, my life is too boring/uneventful to chronicle.
  2. The other half of the time, I'm too dang busy to chronicle my fascinating, eventful life.
The last 6 months have been, uh, eventful.

Like a body accelerated to light speed, I have touched all parts of the universe. Or at least several hundred sticky airline tray tables.

[standup comedian mode]
And what's the deal with tray tables anyway? They're not tables. They're barely trays. Maybe they should call them "stomach guillotines" or "sky scissors"...

--After all, they must be deadly. You're only allowed to use the darn things for about 20 minutes a flight. Maybe they're radioactive or something. It would explain a lot. I can see it now:

Flight Attendant:
"For goodness sake people, get those tray tables to their upright, locked position-STAT! We've got a major containment breech here! One more minute of exposure and you'll all be as sterile as a band-aid!
[/standup comedian mode]

Thanks for reading, folks. I wish you every happiness in the upcoming year.
--Mark

# posted by Mark @ 7:22 AM 0 comments

2008-12-17

 
"Generational remove" is a technique I use sometimes to cover up a bad composite. Search this blog for "Schwarzenegger Rescues Schwimmer" and you'll see an example. By showing the process shot in the context of another process, (like inside video monitor) you can cover up a multitude of sins. the new Battlestar Galactica show uses this all the time, by virtue of the overused "documentary" faux-uncertain shakyness of the CGI camera.

# posted by Mark @ 7:59 AM 2 comments

2008-12-14

 


*Thanks Kevin Murphy at Rifftrax

Spent better than a week with no Internet folks. It was a combination of bliss and ignorance.

# posted by Mark @ 9:51 AM 2 comments

2008-12-03

 
Another traditional 5 name list today. Here are today's fake band names:

# posted by Mark @ 8:56 AM 0 comments

2008-11-28

 

Idiot Control

Welcome to my Band Name Blog. It Stinks!

Here are your band names for today:
*"Roddenberry's" could either be a Monster Cereal or a 70's era Partridge Family style band that travels the country in a Star Trek themed van, singing Osmond-style music (wearing crushed velor mini-dresses, of course).

Yesterday was our Thanksgiving Holiday in the USA. One of the highlights of the annual Macy's Parade was the amazing live Rick-Rolling of the Cartoon Network float, featuring a real-life appearance by the well-preserved Rick Astley.

I admire the chutzpah of the Cartoon Network writers, who probably couldn't bring themselves to deliver another lame Banana Splits/Muppets production number, and asked the "what-if" question that led them to (what I guess to be) the first live Rick Roll.

I like the fact that maybe 10% of the parade audience will understand the joke. Although Britons treat the Rick Roll with typical Anglican ennui , I see a whole new career for Astley, showing up live to Rick Roll corporate and civic evens here in the States.

Cartoon Network seems to be able to get out of the way to let writers do some truly innovative work. It's the place I'd like to write this decade.
If I didn't already earn more money than a Cartoon Network writer.

# posted by Mark @ 6:31 AM 2 comments

2008-11-25

 

Retroactive Clairvoyance

Enjoy some fake band names. Posters on theOnion.com comments boards, I see that you are ripping off my fake band names and calling them your own. Shame, shame. It's easy to tell when you just take the lists in the same order I uploaded them three years ago.

Your band names for today:

# posted by Mark @ 6:26 AM 0 comments

2008-11-18

 

Dead or Canadian?

Your band names for today:

Someone asked if the band's name was just "Scytale", or if it was "Scytale (Rhymes with Italy)" [in whole]. I prefer the whole thing, but if you're just a "Scytale" fan, so be it.

Originally I had planned to follow-up the "Dave Barry" post from September with a retraction, saying that I was unaware that he had died a few years ago (coincident with his semi-retirement), but I decided that it was uncharacteristically mean-spirited for this blog.

I've learned my lesson with Internet Death Hoaxes. From now on, the only death I'm going to fake is my own.

# posted by Mark @ 6:01 AM 4 comments

2008-11-14

 

Lost Planet Army Men

I like the fact that "Hapax Legomenon" has nothing to do with Lego men. This Blog is full of Hapax Legomenon.

By the way. Maybe "Hapax Armymenon" would be a better band name.

My current art installation project is a Planet of Army Men, against a nebula backdrop, and lit internally. A mockup appears on this page.

It qualifies as contemporary art because it is transgressive, yet it is an equal opportunity offender. The truth is, I just thought a giant globe of plastic army men would be visually arresting (read "look cool".).

Its this kind of candor that keeps me at arm's length from the "serious" art establishment. If I make a statement that reassures them that their hand-me-down sensibilities are edge-popular, then its art. If I just create awesome imagery, then its mere illustration.

Sigh.

(Yes, that's supposed to be Africa, Europe and Asia there. The Azores are huge and there is no UK or Greenland to be seen. Give me a break. Its a work in progress.)

# posted by Mark @ 5:15 AM 0 comments

2008-11-13

 

Community Scissors

And a special "Community" section. Band names with the word "community" in them.
I can't explain more about the Scissors right now. Someday I hope to reveal the shocking true story, surrounded by a spooky background like the "Criswell Predicts" introduction from "Plan 9 from Outer Space".

# posted by Mark @ 6:26 AM 7 comments

2008-11-08

 

# posted by Mark @ 3:51 PM 4 comments

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