Email Glurge Once Again Elicits My Ire (whatever that means)

Once again one of those cut-and-paste email forwards has irritated me to no end. It was called “Words Women Use”, and (unintentionally?) made women seem like simple-minded idiots who could not say what they mean. Within 15 minutes I had created a response before I realized how vain and pointless the whole exercise was/is. But by that time I'd essentially crafted two full-column articles about the difference between men and women--Lord help me. Email glurge has reduced me to writing little Dave Barry articles. That’s when I realized that bad Spam has the power to make Andy Roonies of us all.

Article One:
No Uncertain Terms: Words Men Use

Men have two linguistic modes: Decision-making and work avoidance. Both of them are vital to the existence of the human species and without them you would not enjoy many of today’s luxuries and conveniences.

Mode 1: Decision-Making

YES: Affirmative acquiescence; agreement. If we say yes but don’t mean it very strongly, we’ll still keep our word. A grudging yes is still a yes.

NO: Indicating the negative absolute. A rejection, refusal or an exercise of veto power. Not an invitation to negotiate.

REALITY: This is what exists no mater how you “feel” about something.

Mode 2: Work Avoidance

Work Avoidance is the engine that gives a male the ability to perform truly necessary tasks both successfully and efficiently. There are two phrases associated with the communication of work avoidance:

I DON’T WANT TO (decorate, move furniture, etc.): This means he does not want to decorate, move furniture and so forth. Men have a built-in alarm for unnecessary work. This includes the noise you heard at three in the morning. If we thought our lives were in danger, we would get up and check it ourselves. The unnecessary work alarm includes painting things that already have paint on them, gardening and shopping where the goal is just to shop. We get in, buy what we need and get out.

Men are generally helpful, but we are designed by nature to spring into action only when necessary. If you have a problem with that, take it up with mother nature. Men who fill up their lives with fiddling little make-work crap become pathetic type-A jerks with neurotic tics and illogical little rules about everything in life. And you know its true. Essentially, they become the male version of women--and girlfriend--you know that isn’t what attracted you to your man. Even if we are attracted to you for your mind, we are not attracted to you for that part of your mind that makes you insane.

THE LAST WORK AVOIDANCE PHRASE is the so called empty quotes (“__”), or just not talking. Men chose this route 99% of the time. I’m not going to explain this one. It’s not that it isn’t a valid form of self-expression, I just don’t want to go to the effort of explaining it.

Words mean things—it should go without saying. So ladies, if your man is talking around the situation in vague noncommittal generalizations, tell him he’s acting like a chick. He’ll know what you mean and instantly start communicating in no uncertain terms.

Article Two:
A Man About The House

Lay off of this ‘man’s world’ shellac. The house was not designed with him in mind. The Living and Family rooms barely tolerate him: you grudgingly accept that there must be a TV and possibly a tiny, under-featured stereo, but even so, you try to put doilies on them. The entry hall is not for him (or for any conceivable purpose). The kitchen was not designed for him (and you know it). The dining room was not designed for him (YOU don’t even use it for what it was made for). The bathroom was not designed for him (or he would be constantly bugging you to put toilet seat BACK UP, you self-absorbed whiner).

You may say the bedroom is designed for him, but answer me this: Does it have a duvet cover? Does it contain a bed skirt or dust ruffle? Do pillows exist in the bedroom which are not intended to be slept on? Is the man responsible for bringing any of this detritus into the bedroom?

You may say the garage is the man’s room of the house. Think about this. It is the only room in the house that has oil stains on the walls. Hopefully. Women would lead a bloody revolt if the only “woman’s room” in the house was a non-air-conditioned, unfurnished machine shed. Plus, how can it be his room when you store all your crap out there? It’s stuffed with bolts containing 2/3rds a yard of fabric, curtain rods, holiday decorations, boxes of barely begun craft projects and the old toys that belong to the children he did not want to have.

All this is true. And it infuriates you for whatever reason. You may say that no one is asking him to put up with this situation. But think about it: this is exactly what you are asking him to put up with. And if not him, then the next man. And the next, and so forth in perpetuity. The moral? Give him a little space. It’s something he doesn’t really have around the house. Men like space. You can see this reflected in, for one example, the enduring popularity of Star Trek.

Awesome! I've emailed these articles to everyone I know.
Thanks, because if you don't forward them, bad luck will befall you, Just like Mr. Eddie Toffelmayer of Weskaw Falls Minisota.

Man! You know you're scraping the bottom of the barrel when you write little scraps about how men and women are different. I truly apologize everyone. I will return to writing diatribes about how my views of politics and religion are actually the correct ones.
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