My Band Name For Today

Mad props to Bones for the additional high quality band names during my recent indisposition.

You will all be glad that to this point, I have not yet flipped out and kicked my mom in the head.

Also, when I meet girls they do not react favorably when I tell them "I live with my parents".

Mom got lost at Barnes & Noble yesterday. I wondered around looking for her until a cute shopgirl asked "Can I help you?"

You have to imagine me, a rugged manly man in the full bloom of manhood. You also have to imagine her (the the BiblioWench), all interest draining from her libido as I whined "I lost my mommy!"

Here are some band names for ya:

• Bob Random
• Whistle Dix
• The Projected Men

• Not your Daddy
• The Killer Shrews
• Space Chief

• Dead Iron
• Ninety Years Without Slumbering
• Booger T. Washington and the Emancipators of Funk

• Carbuncle

That's all you get. --And be darn happy you got it.

Thanks to Bones for the band names. As I might have hinted, my parents are visiting.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child? --I'll tell you!

I am so disoriented that it's actually tough to come up with names for this list. Help a boy out and suggest band names. Maybe I'll put up a poll next week and we can rank them.

Band Names, folks--It's what's for dinner.

Bonus Band Name:

• Sofa King (Thanks Aqua Teens...also because I am sleeping on the sofa...)

• Double Fat
• Meconium
• Farmer Toss
• Help Me, My Mom and Dad are "Visiting" and are Staying in my Apartment
  

• Maximum Fame
• ColdDrake
• Cartoon Violence
• Dinosaur Neil

• Kumerevel
• Good Wood for the Money*
• Headpile
• The In-Plane Sun-Safe Attitude Wizards
• Idol of Simplicity
• London's Black Squirrels
  
  
  *from an ad for cheap drumsticks

Just one band name today, then the sad personal ads:

• Isaac Asimov Literary Doomsday Device

And now the ads.

Sad Personal Ads

Many moons ago an editor asked me to do an advice piece for men to help them construct an effective personal ad. At that time, both general interest mags and television were hyping the first wave of internet dating, so I dutifully assembled what I thought would be an effective masculine ad. I thought I’d run it as “bait” against a couple other fake ads, to see which one did better.

The results of that test are a separate article. What I found just as interesting was the dire state of “writing” in the ads of several papers and online matchmaking services.

Ultimately, I declined to do the “how-to” column. After reading these gentlemen’s ideas of pitching woo, I think you’ll agree that the average high school dropout should have no trouble crafting ads that trounce these Clio winners.

Many of them were just sad. These guys don’t need dates, they need self-esteem workshops:

'Teach me how to love you better'

or,

'LOOKING FOR SOMEONE DIFFERENT ... LIKE ME!'

The literature critic in me resists the urge to point out that when the second author screams “LIKE ME!”, he is almost pleading with the reader to like him. We do not, however, like him. We look for someone different.

Many are just silly:

'wanna be actor-looking'

That one is confusing. Does he want to be an actor? Or does he just wanna be “actor-looking”? I’m not a model. I just want to look like one. And I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV.

A huge percentage of guys must file their ads by yelling them from moving vehicles:

'stop right here'

'hey,i m talking to you!'

'hey, check me out'

In case that one is not monosylabic enough:

'hay'

If you ignore spelling and capitalization rules—which is apparently a requirement—the last batch of ads is probably a honest reflection of what those guys are actually like. When a guy writes "hay", he means "I don't talk much. I have no attention span. I think the word 'hey' is spelled with an 'A'."

When guys write too much, it’s probably worse than when we write too little. Take the following example—its as if Barry White had taken a personal ad:

'ATTENTION ALL SWEET AND SEXY LADIES'

That guy is about to break into a funk-soul ballad that takes up the entire B side of a 33 1/3 LP.

The next example is another case of telling to much. Terrifying! Designed to get no response ever EVER--

'Mathematician seeks partner!'

Here are more cases of too much honesty:

'I LOVE TOES'

'I am the real big slimmmy'

'Elite_Pimp 4 u (a cute one indeed)!....'

Eve4ry body LIES about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'PIRATE IN SEARCH OF HIS ONE PARTICULAR HARBOUR'

thre are a few more things I am requred to tell you IN PERSON

I.M. all about the BUT! (but not how U think ;] )

I am open to try new things and foods.

I WILL OBEY YOU

What attracts women? NICE GUYS!!! The girls just line up for nice guys, don't they? Anyone who has spent three minutes in high school knows that women are not attracted to Nice guys. High School is a testosterone factory where guys learn to be jerks in order to get girls.

These guys have failed to learn the lessons taught by history:

'GIVE A NICE GUY A CHANCE'
similarly:
'Give the 'nice guy' a chance!'
And:
'One of those rare nice guys'

Join the 'rare' crowd, buddy. Girls don't date nice guys.

'Looking for a good guy? Here I am.'

To answer his question, no, she isn't looking for a good guy until about three months into the relationship.

A LOT of guys make the mistake of just writing plain bizarre ads:

'My last name is LALA, what else do I need to say! :-)'

'Hey, this picture drives me nuts, because it makes me look like a prep!!!!! Grrrrrrrr!!!'

'OOOH! OOOH! PICK ME!!'

Nobody comes down here!!!

WAZU! Know whattimean?

Timje for me for that time in you life.

'I don't need this FrEaKiN' text editor'

'Humpty Dumpty was pushed'

I'm going to add the last two to my list of pick up lines. Hello. My name is Mark. I don't need this FrEaKiN text editor. You come here often?

Or

Hey baby! Humpty Dumpty was pushed! Yeah! You heard what I said! So how about it? Is that MAC lipstick?

If all this makes you ladies feel pretty glum about the dating market, take heart--At least one guy tells the absolute truth in his ad:

'i am me'

Coming Soon, my “bait” ads and the wacky results.

P.S., to my darling girfriend: This is that article I showed you a long time ago. --The one I started for the web zine.
No! I am not looking on online dating services!
But honey-- No! I never!
But it's just a week or so from Valentine's Day.
Darling? Darling...

• Hockey Butt
• Pet Prairie Chicken
• Ban of the Valar
• Code Monkey

• Token of Remembrance
• The Co-opters of Black Culture
• Roving Beeper

• Hysterical Pregnancy

• Super Fudd
• Depth Tube
• Better than WoW

Today, a special Guest Band Name list by filmmaker and attempted guitarist Kyle Friel. He's been threatening to do this for some time now.

I actually posted this a week and a half ago, but many of you did not see it, so I've bumped it up to today's list.

Remember, the Band Names are updated throughout the blog as I find little scraps of paper with dates and lists on them.

Be sure and read the archives, as I'm certain there are scads of sweet band names you haven't seen, and without them your life cannot be complete.

• Occum's Razor
• Robot Suicide
• Stink Vapor

• Government Cheese
• Icky Elf
• Homemade Monster

• Sweet Revenge
• Pirate Manifesto
• Heathen Child
• Panda Attack

And some band names that may never be.

• Food Hungry
• Mark Scott and the Yucca Valley Mystery
• the Most Arrant Locus
• Trip Cyclone