My Band Name For Today

• Lipskin
  
• Temporal Phoenix
  
• High Altitude Baking Level
  
• Assumptions and Constraints
  
• Carl Bark's Manic Cani-Morphic Dog Planet
  

• Uncanny Valley
  
• Sweet Sassy Molassy
• The Bra Extenders
  
• Water Engine
  
• Nature's Harmonic Time Cube

Seeing as how we do band names here, if you do happen to be in a bra band, then these bra extenders will add inches of comfort. To your bra band.

It says so right on the package.

Moving right along, if you are familiar with the bizarre fever dream that is the so-called "time cube" (click here to read about it from the safety of Wikipedia) , then we can mourn the loss of our innocence's together.

I remember seeing this stuff before in the late 90's. I'm amazed the guy has persisted (thrived, even!) without being institutionalized.

I'm delighted that the anonymous Wikipedia contributer notes, "Ray's use of the word 'simultaneous' does not appear to refer to a meaning other than the accepted one. However, he fails to make any logically coherent explanation as to how different periods of time that are taking place 'simultaneously' can be counted separately and added together..."

Here is the original site. The old guy (Gene Ray, who has two first names--always a good sign) presents himself as certifiably insane.

If you don't find the racism or intellectual fallaciousness personally offensive, you can feel generally offended that he calls for the death of everyone who is "ignorant"of the time cube, which, lets face it, is everybody but Gene Ray himself.

I submit to you this alternate site, a web page with a PHP script that generates a random "time cube" webpage. Understandably, the stuff it comes up with makes as much or more sense than the original site.

And here is a parody site, "NINTENDO'S PORTABLE SIMULTANEOUS 4-PLAYER GAME CUBE".

• Tantric Quickie
• Bullcrap Footprint
• Moderate Scrambling
• The Faults
• Piso Mojado

First, I'd like to permanently reject two names:

• Murder Car (an episode of a Commando Cody serial)
• Deathcar on the Freeway (a 70's TV movie)

They are no longer necessary in this post-Death Cab for Cutie world. BTW, when my mom heard the promos for "Deathcar on the Freeway", she declared "they've finally run out of names for things."

I was little enough that the hyperbole (if that's what it was) was lost on me. From that point forward I began a lifelong fascination with neologisms, new words, definitions, names, and cool titles for things. Not so much in an attempt to prove my mother wrong as in a reaffirmation that the human intellect was boundlessly creative and inventive.

This band name list could be considered part of my lifelong interest to discover if it is possible for "them" to run out of names--or any other creative commodity.

So...--yeah, an attempt to prove my mother wrong, I guess.

Now, on to today's band names--today, with derivation!

• Semi-Honey (1)
• Corrosive Guano (2)
• Keine Jugendfreigabe (3)
• Smarm Attack (4)

(1) A Chinese term for young, married professionals who live in separate homes.

(2) From an AP story that lists pigeon droppings as a contributing cause of the fatal Minnesota bridge collapse.

(3) "Not approved for minors".

(4) The story of my life.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

A cop sees two guys fighting. It turns out that they're a guitarist and a keyboard player. "What's the problem?" says the cop.
"We were coming off stage and this guy bumped my guitar so hard he knocked one of my strings out of tune!"
The cop says, "Is an out-of-tune string really worth fighting him over?"
Guitarist: "Absolutely! The lousy guy won't tell me which one it is!"


Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

• Toy Camera Culture
• Snake Killers Get Lucky
• Gender Candy
• Goody Two-Face
• An Issue Of Blood

• Geometric Savant
• Frogs and Yarn
• Chastity Amulet
• Principle of the Missing Fundamental
  
• King Bunny
  

"Frogs and Yarn" is from an estate sale flyer that promised "Lots of frogs and yarn!"

I didn't go to find out what they were talking about. Probably just the tacky remnants of another dead hippie. Instead of "yarn", read "unfinished hemp macrame projects".

But--as a more interesting "writer's embellishment"--I submit that the sale consisted of barrel after olde tyme barrel of tangled, inhumane amphibian carnage.

Now there is you band name!

• Vichy's Cycle
• Finger Flu
• Deep Roy
• Big Stupid Robots
• The Sabattier Effect
• Spurious Köchel

"The Sabattier Effect" is probably not what you think it is. It is a photographic process that was a forerunner to solarization, that trippy hippie psychedelic photo effect that allows anyone to taste the colors, man. If I had a band that traded on psychedelia, I would name it "Sabattier Effect" and perform a song I wrote called "Purple Fire".

It's pretty derivative. But then again, all that stuff is.

Know when to retire from your fortune cookie writing job:


Coincidentally, this is the same reason I don't want to undergo surgery in foreign countries.

• The Soogs
  
• The Cenotaph to Reynold's Memory
• Tachycardia
• Digger Smolkin
• No More Real Than You Are

News headline or Middle School Slang? "Wienermobile gets parking ticket"

• The Lunacy Commission

or

• The Lunacy Act of 1842

• Spiny Norman
  
• Spray Kleen®
  
• All-Night Wicker
  

• Sentimental Bikini
  
• Skinny Actress Girlfriend
  
• Dusk-To-Dawn Outlet
  

I'll save you the Google. "The Lunacy Commission" was an actual government entity in England in the 1800's charged with administering the asylums. It has a great retro-80's sound for something like a Cure or Depeche Mode tribute band.

"All Night Wicker" is from a "Police Squad" episode.

• Boomstick Edition
• Miscibility
• Psychic Bonsai
• Countably Infinite
• The Yoga Gangstas

"Countably Infinite" is a reference to that set theory problem about the hotel with the infinite number of rooms. What was the name of that thought experiment? I would like to invent my own hypertask experiment and call it:

• Wynkoop's Beautiful Supertask

See, most band name lists base their names on 70's TV shows, not on Discrete Math or particle physics. BTW "miscibility" refers to the ability of a property to reach chemical equilibrium (sort of). Good name for a female hip hop act.

Here's a poem. Or song lyrics. Whichever.

We Say We Do

There are frequencies not expressed in hertz
Like the pain we feel when we're in love
And though we rarely say we do
quite frequently we de-evolve.

Signals slide against the side
assailing, sailing, cross the wave
Neither aether makes it plain
which message marks the interleave.

Is my message getting through?
Or bounced back from the stratosphere
The frequency of falling stars
reminds me of my love for you.

And just because we say we do
which one is the one to blame?
We beat against the mix, I fear
the standing waves between us all.

Wynkoop 08-09-2007

Today's Band Names:

• Jonas Pony
• Corrosive Nostalgia
• Faux Motivation
• Debtor's Prison
• The Mighty Mouse, Heckle and Jeckle & Quackula Adventure Hour

• The Breast Petals
  
• The Forth Wall (sic)
  
• The Solid Gold Danzas
• Logic Probe
  
• Cellulite of the Stars
  

"The Forth Wall" is a play on words featuring a reference to Forth, and not the cinematic fourth wall.

Forth is obsolete, yet I somehow wasted my youth thinking it would be the next big thing. And don't get me started on Smalltalk.