My Band Name For Today

• Shatner Ballet
• Leakage Column
• Habituation
• Masters of Escape*

*"Masters of Escape" is my Band-Name-of-the-Month nominee.

Congrats to "The Departed" for winning the best picture Oscar(tm). This cements America's love affair with crime movies that end with shootouts at abandoned construction sites.

Maybe next year's winner will feature a shootout at an abandoned amusement park, or even a factory that manufactures lots of steam and smoke!

I'd like to teach the world to sing...but I'd start by micing* Ireland. That would be entertaining to listen to in the booth!

Your All new Band Names for Today:

• Ace of Cakes
• Riddle Killer
• Reverse Root Canal
• Buttallica

*"Micing" is the process of mic placement for recording. it is an exacting technical process, and is in no way intended as an ethnic slur on the hardworking and cheerful people of Ireland.

We turn now from slightly risqué material to really distasteful material. I'm talking, of course, about country “music”, the music of pain.

It's easy to produce. Indeed, even though techno, hip hop and Tejano can be piddled together accidentally by careless bunglers, country music is produced naturally as a by-product of the radioactive decay of rusty tractor parts.

It is organized into AABA song format in Nashville by non-union temps working out of trailer homes, and distributed by Wal-Mart throughout the civilized world and parts of the UK.

If written in any other time signature than 4/4, there is an OSHA regulation requiring it to be titled “The [fill-in-the-blank] Waltz.” As you can imagine, this has played havoc with the dreams of literally thousands of country artists, who yearn to write songs in 5/4, 7/8 and 9/8.

Inspired by the lure of BIG BIG profits shaved from the paychecks of middle-class women aged 24-48, I have devised my own country music album, ironically untitled (I am considering the title "Country Matters" as a Shakespeare allusion to further alienate my audience).

Here is a list of the songs written especially for this tour de force. I composed them while wranglin' Belgian draft horses through the arroyos of the Colorado badlands:

• Track 1: THX Intro


• Track 2: Turn The Lights Down Hazel


• Track 3: Marry Me A Purdy Movie Star


• Track 4: Cisco, Utah


• Track 5: Got Me a Car (Went Down To the Bar)


• Track 6: I'm Not Gay


• Track 7: Hiding My Politics From My Right Wing Fans


• Track 8: I'm A Real Cow Boy (The Genetic Mutation Song)


• Track 9: Song for Lonely City Dwelling White Women Who Are My Main Demographic


• Track 10: The John Wayne School A' Elocution
• Track 11: I'm Lyin' Through My Teeth When I'm Singin' Through My Nose

Yes, I am that cowboy in the picture.

This is long before me 'n Chuck were Texas Rangers

• Mystery Island
• Blush Pellet
• Pink Toe
• Cookie Duster
• Cold Fish Taco

• Temple Machine
• Renegade Warlike Robots
• Atomic War Bride
  
• Blood Gutter
  

• Kumite Death-Match
• Talking Urinal Cake
• Cheesy Hunt!
• Puniversity

"Cheesy Hunt!" is from spam that Pizza Hut sent me. It's the kind of advertising where a simple misspelling could spell corporate disaster.

Before we scrape ourselves out of the gutter, the ad for the Talking Urinal Cake says "Everyone knows that when it comes to business, location is important"...

Isn't a talking urinal cake one of the 12 signs of Armageddon?

In the headline, I wanted to say "ad consonation" instead of "ad alliteration", but the dictionaries online assure me there is no such term. Somebody help me out with a form of the word that means "applied consonance"

Similarly, instead of "armageddon" I wanted to write "ragnarok", but my editors assured me that the reference was too obscure.

I've been avoiding posting these for some time. On the balance they are not quite cricket:

• Menstrual Hut
• Snapper Farm
• Chaotic Waveform
• The Air Packers
• Mushroom Express

• Ear Lunch
• Whistle Puss
• Midnight Circle
• Crazy Hooker

High-priced net consultants advise me to stick to humorous, general interest band naming. "People don't want to hear that the 11th dimension is only 10^-20 millimeters wide. They want funny band names that remind them of their favorite sitcoms from the 90's."

Also, one of my friends says she doesn't think the names are funny , and people don't want to read a blow-by-blow of my kidney stones. -No names, but her initials are "Mellina".

So the consensus is, "be less esoteric and more accessible."

Too bad.

Today's new band names shall be:

• Baby Monitor
• Charmy Mouth
• Absolute Roofus

• The Dinglets
• Shatner's Bassoon
• Whisky Dix

Bad day for duplicate band names!

• Braneworld - duplicate!


• Deep Blue Skin


• Vintage Voltage
  
  


• Barbie Cake - duplicate!


• Pop Alarm


• Banker's Rounding*

*"Banker's Rounding" because I wanted to name a band "Mantissa", but there was already an Australian band with that name. So "Banker's Rounding", which--we all remember--rounds to even.

"Braneworld" links to an article about M2 Brane theory. You may not know anything about The Membrane, but you are soaking in it right now. In fact, everything is.

Keep in mind that although the article discusses a 5 dimensional brane, there is good evidence for an 11 dimension brane. I'm not a scientist (oh, wait. I am.), but I''ll be interested to see what the future holds for brane theory.