My Band Name For Today

• Rusty Moped
  
• Perceptual Dairy Queen
  
• Robot Pants
  
• Old Fashioned Microwave
  
• Case of the Jaguar's Jugular
  

"Case of the Jaguar's Jugular" along with "The Flying Saucer Murders" are fake paperback novels that (I postulate) were written between 1953 and 1976. I need a couple dozen fake paperback novels for a current writing project. Any suggestions?

• Claptomaniac
  
• Virago Girls
  
• The Flying Saucer Murders
  
• Gynecomastia
• Insensitive Clod
  

Today's Band Names:

• Schadenfreude Preschool
  
• Melty
  
• The Power Finger
  
• Clown Infusion
  
• Pentecostal Santa
  

So I blogged one day about the "Leave Britney Alone" video and I blogged the next day about the "Viva Viagra" ad. Then that Tazer dude.

Am I in danger of becoming a plain vanilla blogger?

Next I'll be posting little tidbits about "cute things my cats did" and how much I like the new Kanye West album on my Apple® brand iPod™.

Next stop: Myspace®™

Hi, my name is Mark. I run this Band Name list. Enjoy it (within limits).
In fact I have just one request:

Don't Taze me, Bro.

In a related announcement, I am canceling my John Kerry Annual Charity Laser Tag Event.

Here are your band names for today:

• Boomstick Syndrome
  
• Ay Fone!
  
• American Carrom
  
• Checkmate Ivan
  
• John Kerry Annual Charity Laser Tag Event

Watched Jeopardy last night (so I watched a game show. Buy me a vowel). Guy on the show had the best name ever: J.T. Nuckolls.

Awesome! If my name were J.T. Nuckolls, I'd be a black private eye in the early 70's.

I'd bust into a warehouse/evil lair, shoot the place up, and save the girl.

As he collapses, one of the bad guys would say "who are you, man?" And I'd say "J.T. Nuckolls...Sucka!" Instant catch phrase!

If J.T. Nuckolls was a TV series I'd cold-start each show with an action teaser: After J.T. Nuckolls crashes a car into some boxes or jumps from a three-story building onto some boxes (70's TV cop production values were big on empty cardboard boxes), a bystander would say, "who was that black man?" And some streetwise dude would deadpan, "J.T. Nuckolls...Sucka." --Freeze frame, solarize, and fly in the cell-animated funky title logo.

--Cue the Isaac Hayes theme music!

Solid, baby!

Today's band names:

• Sheet Fort
  
• SCUDDER!
  
• Baked Enamel
  
• The Panty Shields
  
• Cornplex
  

"Sheet Fort" is from the "Leave Britney Alone!" video. I will not link to it, as it is both profoundly disturbing and somehow lampoon-proof. It is almost impossible to spoof it more than it spoofs itself. Well done, you freaky eye-makeup Brittany teen! You are a young Corky St. Clair.

Someday all impassioned diatribes will be delivered from the confines of sheet forts. BTW, how does that kid cry so much without his mascara running? Some cosmetics company should snap him up [if you'll excuse the term].

• Irony Filings
  
• Old Ladies with Dynamite
  
• Drywall Screws
  
• Third Rate Weezer

The only thing as bad as a bunch of white guys in a 12-bar blues band is a bunch of white guys in a third rate Weezer rip-off band.

The only thing WORSE than a bunch of white guys in a 12-bar blues band is a bunch of white guys in a 12-bar blues band singing "Viva Viagra".

[EDIT: to be fair, there are a couple black guys in there. But does that really add to this video's street cred?]

Seriously, if I was gigging right now I'd add "Viva Viagra" to the set list. It's such an awesome miscalculation that it transcends its own suckiness into a weird Twilight Zone of unsuspended disbelief.

• Poodle Rescue
• Elevator Pitch
• Brain Food
• Mechanical Turk*
• The Pumpkin Blasters, a Billy Corgan Tribute
  

"Mechanical Turk" would be an interesting name for a Krautrock outfit, considering that "Turk" is something of a slur in Germany.

Of course many non-Germans ignorantly assume that the "Krautrock" itself is a derogatory term, which it really is not. In fact if you are only familiar with later-period Tangerine Dream and Kraftwerk, I encourage you to seek out their earlier stuff.

I'd be willing to bet there was an establised band called "Mechanical Turk" years ago. I will not Google it for fear of finding out it's true.

• Yoga Pajamas
  
• Torture Clock
• Midnight Buffet
• Hobo Code
• Crescendo of Altruistic Suicides

If you've seen "Metropolis" you realize the "torture" clock makes no sense. If the guy stops manipulating it, the factory blows up. What kind of engineer would design that? A German expressionist? Oh, yeah. I guess that's right.

It's back-to-school time, and as a service to freshmen literature students, I present this handy guide for telling the difference between the zany left-coast city of Eugene Oregon and Alexander Pushkin's dissembling verse novel Eugene Onegin.

The two are easily confusable, even though one of them uses a complex rhythmic metric scheme and the other is an elaborate work of fiction.

Novel: Eugene Onegin	City: Eugene Oregon
By Alexander Pushkin	By McKenzie River
Filled with an amazing amount of hipness, despite the passage of time.	Filled with an amazing amount of hippies despite the passage of time.
Hybrid prose poem	Hybrid cars
Major theme: As art imitates life, so life can imitate art.	Major theme: Life can, you know, like totally imitate art and stuff.
Radical novel uses a metric system.	Radical. Novel. Uses the Metric System.
Rambling structure often leaves students at college campuses in a daze.	Dazed students often wander away from college campuses.
Main character eats dinner, jogs memory with old letters.	Characters jog pretty much everywhere, eat lettuce.
Pre-metafiction classic	Prefontaine Classic
Plot: No stone left unturned.	Pot: No left turn unstoned.
Woman moves to city. Affects layers of pretension, acts like jerk to people who previously were her friends.	Yeah. Pretty much.
People in area tried out communism; decided it wasn’t that great.	People in area think communism would probably work if, like, just the right guys were in charge for a change, you know?

• Toilet Predator
• Ambient Monsters
• Stunt King
• Tuesday Timeframe
• Headless Kevin
• Robomilf

Toilet Predator is the first (conscious) mixup on this site, combining previous band names "toilet wand" and "ambush predator".

Ambient Monsters was a demo from the Nuon platform. Good to see game hippie Jeff Minter hit it big with the Xbox 360. I was such a fan of Gridrunner that I followed him over to Nuon and still have the system. Tempest 3000 is stunningly trippy.

Headless Kevin is a stoner ghost from the Onion website.

• The HamWasters
• Monolithic Twins of Similarity
• The Unbearable Plasma Spasm of the Soul
• The Kobe Beef Massage Chicks
  
• Pure Lactose Acrimony
  
• Ladder of Lettuce
  

"A Goth Band Called The Unbearable Plasma Spasm of the Soul" is an early contender for Band Name of the Month, of course.

Bad Names for Candy Bars:

• Mr. Foobar
• The Barbara Hershey
• Fudgepacker
• $1,000,000 Bar [actual retail price]
• The Quentin Crisp
• S'more's The Pity
• The Jimmy Swaggart Salted Nut Roll (That's timely! Why does this seem like a Bob Hope joke?)