My Band Name For Today

A few weeks ago one of the band names was "Schwarzenegger Rescues Swimmer", based on a real-life event.

Frequent collaborator Paxton Hare writes:

I vote for a variation of "Schwarzenegger Rescues Swimmer"... "Schwarzenegger Rescues Schwimmer". You can photoshop arnold and david hugging or something.

--Paxton

Who am I not to grant such an awesome request?

Your phony band names for today:

• Metaphor Cannon
• The Monk's Reward
• Unshootable Bandwagon
• Eloquent Aphasia*
• Schwarzenegger Rescues Schwimmer
  

*Aphasia is the inability to understand or produce cognizant verbal communication due to a specific type of brain damage. Along those same lines, I sometimes have trouble thinking of the correct nouns (and only nouns) when I am speaking. Purple monkey dishwasher.

Attention "Band Names" faithful:
We are casting for our D.C. Area 48 hour film which is shooting the weekend of May 3rd, 2008. I encourage you to upload your info, c.v., head shots, or whatever to the Green Llama Productions website and you will get a chance to work with some interesting, creative and talented folks.

Also you can get a national project under your belt -- and pad out your c.v.! Similarly, my crazy female stalkers may get a chance to see me on the mean streets of D.C. --And ladies, the answer is "Yes, I still do have that pot belly from my blog photo"!!! And the weekend of the film shoot I'll be sleeping even less than I did when that picture was taken, so that glazed look in my eyes will be multiplied by an order of magnitude.

No mater what your motivation is (Don't say revenge!) I strongly encourage any area actors who are interested to contact the website. You will have a blast, and we are one of the most talented crews in the competition this year. See you in D.C.!

• Snapping Turks
• Redneck Pole Car
• The Loudest Mimes In The World
• Sound Tunnel
• Flex Cloud

Hands down (if you'll excuse the term), the band name of the month is:

• Levator Ani [links to wikipedia article]
  

Unfortunately (if that's the word), Levator Ani was the real band name of a musician and composer that I respect and admire (and whose identity I protect, so that he may keep that respectability!). It was just a pick-up band, but they played at least one gig, so that counts as real.

He writes:

"A friend of mine pointed out that I should tell you about our band name....It was a very eclectic group of songs ranging from Earth Wind & Fire, to Zepplin, to Van Halen to Rick Deringer and Bad Finger. We called ourselves Levatar Ani. One of our band members was a medical student at the time and pointed out to us this funny muscle in the anatomy books...

We spelled it "Lavator Anai" to look more gothic and did it all in gothic letters...Yes, we were very much taking a page from the Spinal Tap book. I think we did a Spinal Tap song too. At any rate....there's a band name for you."

Okay, buddy. You win the prestigious Band Name Of The Month competition. Add that to your wall of accolades. Anatomy-based band names are much funnier than the particle physics-based band names I usually try to pawn off on the reading public.

Speaking of "The Anatome", check out Voice Industrie's 2-CD retrospective "Voice Historie". It has many of the tracks from their long out-of-print breakthrough album "Anatome". For those of you new to the band, "energetic" and "trip hop" are two words you usually don't see together, but this Canadian duo create a unique brand of high octane chill-out music. Highly recommended. Also available as a digital download.

And to end on a low note, if you'd like a general purpose Levator Ani joke, then try this:
Q: How is [fill-in-the-blank with latest politician caught in sex scandal] like Levator Ani?
A: They both support viscera in the pelvic cavity.

Sorry folks. Goodnight.

Here is the list of Rejected Yoga Positions that I rejected from the list of Rejected Yoga Positions a few days ago.

On this blog, we use all parts of the buffalo.

• Gray Lady Down
• The Three Dog Night
• Dog Facing Boy
• Dannon Fruit on the Bottom Yoga
• The Badly Distended Nipple
• The Warrior of Virtue
• Herniated Bladder of the Moon
• The Recumbant Hitler
• The Sit On It Potsie
• Extended Hand to Cleavage Pose
• Master Yoga "Judge me by size, do you? Size matters not" Pose

• CornSmut
• Indigenous Nudity
• Interocular Convergence
• The Bilabial Fricatives
• Noam Chop-socky

After a recent Mythbusters I TiVo'd, The Discovery Chanel ran and advisory that the next program contained "Indigenous Nudity". Sounds like a band name to me.

Kyle, thanks for giving me CornSmut. I guess it would have to be a Korn tribute band.

This blog may contain milk, wheat and soy ingredients. This blog was produced in a facility which also processes peanuts and other tree nuts.

Here are your fake band names for today:

• Frank Cannon in D
  
• Hide Nor Hair
• Flop Sweat
• Presentation Pants
• Yankee Candle Foxtrot

I like "Yankee Candle Foxtrot". Makes me think of a military operation that isn't too busy to stop and consider the fragrant "scent sensations" (tm) that a product with real tea tree or sandalwood can bring to a hard-edged firefight or midnight raid.

Good morning, Jim. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read a few lame fake band names:

• Aftermath
  
• Redundant Tautology
• Johnny Deformed
• Recombinant Beagle*
• Vomit Sutra

*Because "Recumbent Beagle" was one of the fake Yoga positions. I think Recombinant Beagle would be a better band name.

I'm re-reading "Johnny Tremain" now that the John Adams mania has fueled everyone's interest in all things American Revolution. I'm getting to the "Hand Deformation" scene, and I agree with Bart Simpson. They should call this book "Johnny Deformed".

As always, should you or any of your I.M. force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

Tom Servo: I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it as much as it hurt me.
Crow: Yeah. The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.
Tom Servo: What do you think the message of this movie was?
Crow: "Don't watch it."

Fair Warning, folks. My associates and I have a motion picture entered in the D.C. Area 48 Hour Film Festival this year.

Be frightened.

Have some band names:

• Shellac
• The Escamoles
• Cabbage Princess Goes to Prison
• Jawbone of an Ass
• Gloopstick
  

Escamole is a horrible horrible thing. Do not Google it. I implore you.

Also do not listen to the so-called "songs" of Hannah Montana. FREE TIP: Miley, the Disney corporation is flushed with cash. Hire a frickin' lyricist who is aware that some words can have as many as three syllables.

The kid has talent, but those songs--those songs are just really, REALLY BAD.

Let's take a brief brake from Band Names, shall we? In honor of my girlfriend and the suspicious "Downtown Yoga" program (see the comments for the "Yoga Gangstas" band name in the archive), I present todays list:

Rejected Yoga Positions

• The Below The Belt Pose
• The Jaded Hipster Pose
• The Employee Facing Registry
• Bloggy-Style
• Spine Wrenching Pose

• Half-Standing Deep Heating
• The Camel Toe
• The Half Moon Bay
• The Awkward Pose
• Recumbent Beagle Doghouse Pose
• Balancing Checkbook Pose

• Insane Clown Pose
• Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose
• The Tree Hugger
• Wet, Dripping Pose
  
• The Spit-Up
• The This Can't Be Good
  

• The Lotus 1-2-3
• The Meeting Her Parents Fixed Firm Pose
• The Half Decaf Pose
• Blowing in Favors Pose
• The “Let's Go Eat Beef From A Delicious, Delicious Cow After We Do This Yoga” Pose

I don't mean to be cruel, but you have to go check out a website called IBS Tales. its a kind of support group for people who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome.

And a great source of Schadenfreude.

If you do go there, a gentle warning. It's not for the squeamish. I believe you will find the term "Poop Attack" in the first sentence. Go there (if ya gotta go):

IBS Tales: Personal Stories of Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Today's Band Names:

• Virginia Dare
  
• Merge Visible
  
• Poop Attack
• Nose Flute
• Our Trendiness Has No End

UPDATE: "Schadenfreude" is not a vulgar German euphamism, although, given the context, I understand why some of you may have misunderstood what it meant...

UPDATE II: "breakthrough pooping". That's all I'm saying. Somehow this band name list has survived three-plus years without "Breakthrough Pooping" appearing as a name yet. So here it is:

• Breakthrough Pooping

For some reason, I feel like Casey Kasem, counting down the top 40 songs, but instead of finishing with number one, this list finished with number two, if you know what I mean.

UPDATE III: A long-time band name blog reader pointed out that the difference between Casey Kasem and this list is that Casey Kasem began with Scooby Doo, while today's list ended with an altogether differnet kind of doo.

Sorry. Blame that one on the long-time blog reader.

I've put him on my list.

Klytus, I'm bored. What plaything can you offer me today?
How about some fake band names?

• Whey Tech
  
• Hickenlooper*
• Monkey in the Middle Attacks
• Dry Socket
• Bone Char

*I can name my band "Hickenlooper" because Denver mayor John Hickenlooper named his restaurant The Wynkoop. For a brief time in the 90's they let me use the email address "mark@wynkoop.com" until they decided that an employee might someday need it.

Some have questioned why he would name a restaurant "Wynkoop", seeing as how its such a goofy name. My best guess is that even though "Wynkoop" is a goofy name, its still not as goofy as "Hickenlooper".

John, if you're reading this can I have that email address back? --No? --Looks like I blew that chance.

My pal Paxton mentioned "Monkey in the Middle", a computer exploit where a middle server tries to fool two outer servers. I thought it would be a good band name. Paxton asked me to give him credit, seeing as how it will irritate our buddy Kyle, who is too busy going to see Radiohead to help us with an upcoming film. Eat it, jerk. Where's the Karma Police when you really need them?